Mouths agape and eyes fixed on their clasped hands, Americans at dining tables across the country today struggled to name something they were thankful for when called upon.
“Oh, uhhh,” said Cleveland man George Kranish. “Boy. Hoo boy. [prolonged sigh]. Karen? You want to field this one?”
While Americans earnestly sought a positive sentiment to share with their loved ones, all found themselves unable to finish the simple statement “I’m thankful for…,” with many bursting into tears, crying out in frustration, or just staring vacantly at their children.
“If nothing else, normally I would have used “our health,” said Duluth resident Jessica Leake. “But with the current state of the U.S. healthcare system, I just didn’t want to go there.”
Other topics which kept Americans from recalling even a whiff of happiness included rising income inequality, systemic racial injustice, regular mass shootings, the DNC primary scandal, Donald Trump’s face, and the ongoing sexual misconduct revelations.
“I – I guess I’m thankful no nuclear weapons have been fired yet,” said Phoenix teenager Amy Torrez. “Does that count?”
Those in attendance reluctantly agreed that it did not.
At press time, most Americans were trying to focus on cooked turkeys that looked “promising” before noticing news alerts on their phones relating to actor Tom Hanks.
