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- Get General Kelly to like me (send him a MAGA hat).
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- Ask Ivanka to ask Pence to ask Kelly to fire Mueller.
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- Learn how to say “Go home!” In Mexican.
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- Drink more Diet Coke.
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- Check in with Rogaine to see if they’ve developed the new formula yet.
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- Spend more time with the beautiful women in my life. And my wife and daughter (if time allows).
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- Golf more.
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- Check in with Judge Jeanine to find out how stupendous I’m doing as president.
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- Ask Ivanka to ask Pence to ask Kelly to ask Melania if she’ll consider dyeing her hair blonde.
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- Exercise less, per doctor’s orders.
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- Get more Twitter followers than Obama (WHY HASN’T THIS HAPPENED YET?!).
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- Send Hannity a MASSIVE gift basket for doing such a fantastic job.
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- Do a photo-op with coal workers. Then, leave quickly. Answer all questions with “Make America Great Again!!!!” or “Lock her up!”
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- Settle the 948 pending lawsuits.
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- Get The New York Times to like me.
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- Remember to wake up Ben Carson sometime during Black History Month (July?) for media appearances to speak about the great things I do for the blacks.
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- Remind the Dems monthly via Twitter about my HISTORIC victory.
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- Get The Washington Post to like me.
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- Increase Eric and Donald Jr.’s monthly allowances. Tell Donald to tell Tiffany about these increases.
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- Decrease and delay Tiffany’s allowance payments.
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- Incorporate my HUGE inauguration crowd size numbers into the White House tour.
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- Get literally anyone to like me.
