It’s that time of year again. It’s the time when we reflect on the past year, and make resolutions for the year ahead. So why not ruin your holiday season? The halls are decked, the trees are trimmed, and if you touch the pole on the subway, you are going to be bedridden for a week. Here are some of this season’s hottest diseases that’ll have you wishing you were dead.
Norovirus
Aka the common stomach virus. What better way to ring in the new year than bent over a toilet, praying for the shackles of death to release you into the ether? You can thank that preschooler on the subway for this one. It’s spreading around her class like wildfire. At least she won’t remember it. But you will.
Respiratory Syncytial Virus
Ah, good ol’ RSV. The ball is going to drop, and so is your lung capacity. When you’re done coughing up your lungs, make sure to tune back in to hear Ryan Seacrest talk about nothing. Bet you’re glad you didn’t wash your hands now.
Influenza
Need an excuse to stay home from work on NYE? Give that subway pole a quick grazing, and you won’t be able to move for a fortnight if you catch this shit. While your friends are doing body shots and kissing at midnight, you’ll be doing Gatorade shots and praying your vision comes back before dawn. Good thing you decided against getting the flu shot this year!
I know what my New Year’s resolution is: to touch things on the subway more often! Which of these cute little windows into the afterlife are you going to choose to end your 2017?
