Did you guys see that next Tuesday the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles will be added to the roster of characters for Injustice 2? Of course you did, it was the most important piece of news to come out so far this year.
The problem, of course, is that they aren’t on the roster now. Which means I need to find ways to occupy my time until I can enact some sweet, mutant ass-kicking on stupid Aquaman’s face. Below is a list of what I’ll be doing while I wait.
Hate-Watch Suicide Squad
About this time last year I got drunk and hate-watched Batman V Superman: The Increasingly Poor Decisions of Warner Bros Studio. It was not a fun time, but by the end of it time seemed to blur together, so that’s a plus! Hopefully pouring a drink and watching Suicide Squad will yield similar results.
Eat Cheese Non-Stop
Did you know cheese has a similar effect on your brain as morphine? It’s basically a drug with no consequences! Except for diabetes and high cholesterol! Regardless, time to get high on cheese.
Regret Hate-Watching Suicide Squad
Holy fuck, I needed way more scotch than was available to get through that movie. How a highly paid executive thought a superhero movie as filtered through your local Hot Topic manager was a good idea is beyond me. It definitely killed a couple hours, but at what cost? At what cost.
Invest in Bitcoin
Nothing makes the time fly like watching your money wildly fluctuate. Will I become a cryptocurrency billionaire, or end up in poverty? I don’t know! But the constant suspense will surely keep me entertained/anxiety ridden.
Be Haunted by Jared Leto’s Joker Whenever I Close My Eyes
Rarely has a performance been so terrible that I physically convulsed every time they were on screen. And even when the movie is over, it never really leaves you. That stupid, tattooed face and terrible attempt at a Joker voice will always be there. Taunting you and turning your nights into restless ones as he invades your dreams and nightmares.
Binge Watch the Entirety of The Shield
It’s something I’ve been meaning to do anyway, as I missed out on it when the show originally aired. And binging shows has a tendency to kill time and to make you gasp at how long you’ve actually spent on the couch like few other activities can. It’s also great for keeping you awake when you no longer want to sleep for fear of Jared Leto invading your dreams once again.
Lose Your Goddamn Sanity
It’s not going to stop. Even with the TV constantly on and music playing from the sound system, Suicide Squad’s terrible dialogue just hangs in the air. The movie was just so infuriatingly bad that the mind refuses to let go. Like it needs to deal out punishment for being forced to go through the experience. There is no escape. All there is to do is deal with the suffering and lament the folly.
Weep, for There Is No Longer Joy in the World
Only the cheese can comfort me now.