WASHINGTON – In a statement released this morning, America’s good guys with guns expressed sympathy for the Parkland, Florida victims, but reiterated their preference to “not get involved.”
The statement read in part: “We’re sickened and dismayed at this violent act by a deranged individual. Our thoughts and prayers are with the bereaved families, and this event is a true tragedy, though we’d be remiss if we didn’t remind everyone that’s not on us. You’re all going to have to sort something out on your own.”
The nation’s good guys with guns, long hailed by NRA spokespeople and pundits as the country’s only true line of defense, have faced increased pressure as of late to use the revolvers holstered to their ankles and semi-automatics slung over their shoulders during any active shooting situations. Good guys, meanwhile, state such actions would put an undue burden upon them, their safety, and their bullet supplies.
“Look, we didn’t ask to be good guys,” said Zanesville, Ohio mechanic Garry Hawkins. “And even if we wanted to get out there we can’t cover the kind of ground needed to be effective. There’s only eight of us, after all.”
“Also, these sons of bitches are killing people. I don’t want to get mixed up with that.”
Various good guys have also stated that at times life simply gets in the way as well, citing parental duties, grocery shopping, Gunsmoke marathons, polishing their rifles to get that perfect sheen, and drinking as regular obligations.
“It’s tough. These families need to respect that,” Hawkins said.
Frustrated by the current response by good guys, organizations across the country have begun reaching out to select bad guys with guns, in hopes that the thrill of executing other bad guys with guns might be enough for them.
