WASHINGTON – On the heels of aggressively suggesting that teachers carry guns to prevent further school shootings, the Republican Party is suggesting that it might be nice if the country thought about arming its dogs as well.
“We realized teachers can’t be with our children at all times,” House Speaker Paul Ryan said. “So to fill in those gaps, who better to protect the kids than man’s best friend?”
Though recognizing that dogs don’t have fingers to pull triggers, are borderline incapable of reason, and often hide under beds upon hearing loud noises, the party is moving forward with preliminary discussions on how to implement such a plan.
“This is all about our children’s safety,” said NRA CEO Wayne LaPierre. “What makes a child feel safer than their dog? I for one applaud this effort from the GOP and, quite frankly, am aroused at the thought of seeing a powerful rifle strapped to every puppy I see walking down the street.”
The party insists it’s merely exploring all possibilities to ensure the safety of all Americans, suggesting it would also continue to explore the notion of arming toddlers to de-escalate preschool disputes.
