ME: Hey there! Happy Monday! Just following up on the new employee hardware set-up. It should have been processed Friday.
TECH: Morning! Just checked. Looks like the system rejected the username choice.
ME: Oh? That’s strange. What was it?
TECH: Looks like “InMyPants1234” was put into the system but HR flagged it.
ME: Yikes. Well, we need the new guy up and running today. So, what do we do?
TECH: No worries, we asked for a new username. Looks like it was just sent in.
ME: Great, what’s the new one? I’ll add it to our distribution list.
TECH: “SwipeRightChad69.”
—–
ME: Hi again. Chad keeps making this really terrible sound. It’s not so much a beeping as it is him refusing to pronounce my name correctly because he spent two spring breaks in Cabo and “knows how the natives say it.”
TECH: Open settings, enable geo-tracking features. Switch the location from “Man of the World” back to the factory setting: “Village Idiot.”
—–
ME: Yeah, Hi. Yeah me again. Chad won’t eat with the team. We’re not sure if he just doesn’t eat, or if he doesn’t want to eat with us. It’s making the team very nervous.
TECH: Have you tried updating his user interface through the software center?
ME: No, but we auto-approve all updates to avoid what happened with Margaret.
TECH: Yes. I See. Well, you will need to downgrade Chad’s operating system if you want to use the lunch compatibility user interface. The newest systems prohibit mixed-gender socialization in the system.
—–
ME: Hi, I need help with Chad. Yeah, he deleted all the files in our system. He said he knew what he was doing. I think he is glitching. Is that a thing?
TECH: Have you tried turning Chad off and back on again? Leave him unplugged for at least thirty seconds.
—–
ME: I’m really sorry, I know I just put in a ticket but I have to put in another. One of my employees won’t make eye contact with anyone.
TECH: Are you referring to Chad?
ME: I’d rather not say. Does it matter?
TECH: We need to document what systems are having issues. So, yes.
ME: Okay. Fine, yes, it’s Chad.
TECH: Have you tried turning him off and back on again? Don’t forget to…
ME: Yes, yes. Leave him unplugged for at least thirty seconds. I know.
—–
ME: So, I’m not sure you can help with this. It might be more of a design issue. Chad keeps rolling his eyes whenever the other women on our team are presenting.
TECH: Try converting his file type from “.dbag” to “.png.” Reupload.
—–
ME: …
TECH: Hello. Is this another ticket for an issue with Chad?
ME: …
TECH: It’s Okay. Just tell me what the issue is and we’ll see what we can do.
ME: He keeps adding “in my pants” to the end of all the “All are welcome here” diversity documents. I’m sorry to even have to submit a ticket for this. I can’t imagine how this happened.
TECH: We have a patch for this in the software center. Just download and you should be good to go. Let me know if you have any issues.
—–
ME: Hey. I think this employee hardware is broken. Chad’s chewing almonds with his mouth open on this conference call.
TECH: Can you tell him to mute his sound?
ME: We tried. Is there an administrator setting I can change?
TECH: Go into the Misophonia settings and switch it from “Raised in a Barn” to “Returns His Mother’s Calls.” You’ll need to reboot.
—–
ME: Let’s cut to the chase here.
TECH: Chad?
ME: OF COURSE IT’S CHAD. … Sorry. Sorry. Is there a form to have him upgraded, replaced, or lobotomized?
TECH: It’s okay, really. But I do think that’s an HR thing.
ME: HR stopped returning my calls. Help. Me. He just keeps repeating “penis, penis, penis” over and over. Everyone is really offended.
TECH: Tell you what. Don’t tell anyone, but I can send you the Interdepartmental Employee Recycle Protocol. That MIGHT help you in this situation. But it’s never pretty.
ME: Neither is Chad.
—–
ME: Hi! Thanks again for your help yesterday. So, this sounds silly, but none of my passwords are working.
TECH: Looks like someone changed the default password.
ME: Who?
TECH: Username: SwipeRightChad69.
ME: I can’t. Just. What’d he change it to?
TECH: “InMyPants1234.”
