WASHINGTON – The Pentagon has deployed five brigades of 20,000 newly drafted teachers to schools throughout the nation, escalating America’s military involvement in the war-torn region. Several have already participated in combat operations.
After initially dispatching advisers to K-12 institutions across the country, U.S. commanders now believe that heightening teacher levels, much like Betsy DeVos’ plan that successfully eliminated the grizzly bear threat, will help mitigate a conflict that has, in the eyes of some military experts, become a quagmire.
Deployments have been swift, with colleges churning out recruits from their Shoot for America programs at record paces to meet the Pentagon’s target. “One minute you’re teaching finite algebra, and in the next minute, you’re in the shit, man,” first-year teacher Andrew Constantine said, who is two months into his ten-month tour. “But I just carry my weapon and stay in the halls during passing time until I need to open fire. I need my bonus combat pay. I’ve got student loans.”
Scott Summers, a sniper in the 101st AP World History regiment, said he welcomes the deployment. “I love that my job is to come to work every single day and make a difference with an M40. I was born for this.”
With so many inexperienced teachers, there’s an increased risk of friendly fire. “The terrain is tough to navigate – textbooks, pencil pouches, and bodies everywhere. When the enemy attacks, you have all these children running around screaming, and if you’re a grunt, it can be hard to differentiate in that chaos who’s who,” Summers said.
Military experts say that if the surge does not have a noticeable impact early on, the Pentagon could authorize the use of drones to target specific classrooms. Some have even suggested a nuclear strike as a deterrent against further aggression.
“We have to do whatever it takes to keep our kids safe,” Summers said.
