I recently found myself looking for a bit of frightful fun. Typically, when I get in one of these “full moods” (that’s a little werewolf humor) I just watch my favorite horror movie, Hocus Pocus. Most of the time I even get through all of it. However, this time, I was ready to get really spooked. I decided to finally do it. To read the scariest adult book series ever written. Goosebumps.
Now I know what you’re thinking, “there are so many, how did you pick one?” Well here’s how. I didn’t pick one, I picked five… the five scariest! Now I know you’re also thinking “that’s insane, reading five books that scary in one night isn’t possible.” Well guess what, I am brave, and I read at an above-average level, so reading them all in one night was no problem for me.
(Editor’s note: Reading five in one night is especially impressive because on the back of the books it says 10 to 12 years and it didn’t take me even close to that long to read them.)
Here’s my list of the five “scariest” Goosebumps books:
1. Say Cheese and Die!
In this apparent “classic” some dumb kid with no common sense finds a seemingly normal Polaroid camera, but when he takes pictures on the camera, bad things happen to the subjects of the photos.
The photos cause people to fall down stairs, break their ankle, and hit their head. Which brings me to why this book isn’t scary! It isn’t titled Say Cheese and Face Serious Injury. Whoever wrote this book misled his audience. I picked this one up and read the title and was ready for some serious scares, but those scares never come. Instead we get a bunch of kids getting boo-boos. Not scary.
2. The Blob That Ate Everyone
Wow, nice title. Seriously, what kind of hack writer puts a spoiler like that in his title? Why would I even read the book? Well here’s why, because I’m trying to get spooked, and a blob eating everyone sounds pretty scary. I mean there’s no way this one isn’t scary right? The blob eats everyone, it has to be scary.
WRONG! IT. IS. NOT. SCARY. Here’s the thing. In this book. THE BLOB DOES NOT EAT EVERYONE! How could any self-respecting publisher at Scholastic put this book out there with such a misleading title? It’s the print version of clickbait and it is NOT scary.
3. The Haunted Mask
This book sports a pretty spooky cover and the tagline, “If looks could kill…”
More like “if books could kill,” and they clearly can’t, because no one ever dies in these books! I’m starting to think this franchise is overrated and any adults who actually find these scary are a bunch of babies. In this sloppy rip-off of a Jim Carrey movie, a kid (of course) finds a “haunted” mask. When she dons the mask, a demonic presence takes her over.
Oh wait, this one is getting pretty good.
It just so happens to be Halloween so she is able to wear the mask without raising alarm.
Oh man this one may actually be scary.
With her newfound evil power she sets out to…
Ruin the science fair.
ARE YOU KIDDING ME. How is this the scariest book franchise of all time? Yeah maybe this would’ve been scary to me… WHEN I WAS IN THE THIRD GRADE. Parents, go out and buy these books for your children – if you need a new bedtime story guaranteed to put them to sleep. Seriously, what self-respecting demon sets out to ruin a science fair? Skip this one, watch The Exorcist instead. Now that’s a demon story.
This book was NOT SCARY.
3. Night of the Living Dummy
Ha! This one has to be the least scary of all. I mean, what’s scary about a doll. Look at him, with his glassy, empty eyes and his hollow wooden, soulless, body. Seriously, this book must’ve just been made to sell toys to little kids because I don’t know how they’d expect this guy to scare anyone. The way he gets up on his own, and terrorizes his owners, all while wearing that sick, sadistic permanent smile that sticks with you long after…
Let’s move on. We can all agree this one isn’t scary.
5. The Curse of Camp Cold Lake
Cold water? Really? Whoever wrote this one clearly hasn’t showered after my little sister Vanessa. Every single night I remind her we are supposed to alternate who gets to shower first in the morning, and she always “forgets” and just goes first! I don’t have time to wait, because when mom drops her off at middle school she drops me off at work too. So, I just have to shower in lukewarm-to-cold water every single day. Well guess what, I’ve grown a tolerance to it now. So yeah, maybe this little baby book would scare a weaker audience, but not this guy.
Didn’t read it. Not scary.
That’s my list of what was supposed to be the five scariest Goosebumps books. If these are the scariest, then I’d hate to see what the others are like.
Oh well. I’m on to my next series. Leaving horror in the rearview and heading for sci-fi thriller. Let’s see how magical this tree house really is.