EAST LANSING, Mich. – Local resident Travis Thistlethwait’s bold foray into the world of self-confidence ended today after a record-breaking forty-eight seconds of self-love.
This latest effort at inward-facing compassion was brought forth by a 34th birthday present from his mother: a Brene Brown self-help book. The optimistic endeavor seemed to be going well, until memories from the past started bubbling up.
“The first three quarters of a minute were pretty doable,” said Travis. “But then I remembered the time I farted in the middle of algebra class in seventh grade. I had a huge crush on Michelle, who sat next to me. She laughed in my face. God, I suck.”
This was Thistlethwait’s third venture into self-confidence this year, and 40th attempt since moving to Michigan in 2014. A lifelong journey, he first began flirting with the idea of positive self-image and self-talk after seeing Indiana Jones and the Raiders of the Lost Ark as a slightly overweight eight-year-old.
“Yeah, the idea goes way back,” he said. “I was always a shy kid. Then I saw Harrison Ford as Indy. What a hero. Now that’s a dude with self-confidence. Talented. Charismatic. Never a fat eight-year-old. He definitely doesn’t break into flop sweats when asking his roommate to move their car. Also probably not a dude who has a roommate at age 34. God, I suck.”
But as the years went on, a crippling pessimism about Hollywood heroes set in, forcing Thistlethwait to look in a different direction: self-help books. Consuming everything from Deepak Chopra to Anthony Robbins, he left no stone of the self-help world unturned. After each venture, brief flashes of success would follow – some lasting almost half a minute – before crashing into even deeper depths of crippling self-doubt. His stint with Brown’s newest screed Braving the Wilderness proved to be the most effective yet, though success remains out of his reach. Now, after this latest failure, Thistlethwait has grown cynical about the self-help genre, and perhaps self-confidence as a whole.
“Y’know, I’ve tried this so many times now and it’s like… what’s the point? I may just dial it back for a while,” he said. “In my late 20s I hit a pretty solid rhythm of low-level but functional depression. I didn’t even try to have self-confidence then. Maybe I’ll go back to that. That’s also when I bought my cat, Kitters. He didn’t respect me either. He’s dead now. God, I suck.”
