1. Gilbert Gottfried impersonating a dial-up modem.
2. A drunken man attempting to play Taylor Swift songs with a vuvuzela.
3. A cat choking on a chicken bone.
4. A chicken choking on a cat bone.
5. The piercing alarm my iPhone makes at 3 a.m. when there’s an Amber Alert.
6. The piercing silence of my father’s disapproving glare.
7. A voicemail from my mother informing me that she forgot how to work her iPad and to call her as soon as possible (this is sometimes piercing, too).
8. My ten-year-old nephew’s first-ever clarinet recital.
9. A recording of Gilbert Gottfried snoring within an empty cathedral.
10. A baby crying because a drunken man is blowing a vuvuzela (or because my nephew is playing his clarinet).
11. Screeching microphone feedback caused by a person vomiting onto a microphone.
12. A leaf blower
13. Someone asking me if they can ask me a question.
14. Gilbert Gottfried vomiting onto a microphone, causing feedback, which makes a baby cry and my nephew start playing his clarinet at the same time for some reason.
