1. Hunt for quarters in the couch cushions. While you’re there, you might find some potato chip crumbs and loose bits of granola to sustain you for a week.
2. Alphabetize the spice rack and color-code all the canned goods in the pantry.
3. Google “101 creative recipes for roadkill.”
4. Search the want ads and apply for EVERYTHING, regardless of your training… airline pilot, llama herder, septic tank cleaner…
5. Read the entire version of Milton’s Paradise Lost since you skipped it in high school, relying solely on CliffsNotes for your term paper.
6. Make ketchup your new vegetable, fruit, and meat.
7. Trim your hedges into topiaries of only the most obscure Disney characters.
8. Switch from expensive craft beer to Natty Ice.
9. Purchase a cheap metal detector and scan all the nearby parks.
10. Watch YouTube to finally learn how to fold a fitted sheet.
11. Aquire a taste for Spam and orange cheese out of a squirt can. Acquire it quickly.
12. Sell all of your three-piece suits on eBay. You won’t need them for your new job cleaning out septic tanks.
