She was at a stable 20% throughout the holiday season, but fuck! Your grandma just dipped to 2% out of nowhere! Your cousin’s wedding is next weekend and you’re going to need her for it. What do you do? Remain calm and follow these steps:
- Check for glitches. Has she been freezing up? Calling everyone by the wrong names? Operating at a slower pace? Any crashes lately? Make note of these.
- Make sure that her brightness is turned down. Sure, the story of when she turned grandpa down when he asked her on a first date is one of her best, but now is not the time for her to flaunt her lively storytelling capabilities. She needs to be as dim as possible to retain life.
- Plug her into life support as soon as possible.
- If she doesn’t begin to recharge, try repositioning her IV, jostling the life support cords and blowing into any terminals to ensure that they’re working.
- Avoid using her unless absolutely necessary. If you decide you need to use her, only use her for basic tasks such as receiving compliments and acquiring gum and sweet treats.
- Try putting her in rice.
- Refrain from tapping her or asking her for the time. This will drain her more.
- If she doesn’t improve and dips to 1%, immediately retrieve important data from her – safe deposit box codes, precious memories, the identity of your real father, family heirlooms, etc. – and back it up somewhere safe.
If she dies, it will definitely be an inconvenience in the short term, but it’s not the end of the world. Your grandpa will be able to pick up a newer grandma either at the country club or his water aerobics class. Sure, you won’t have the same memories with the new one as you did with your old grandma, but she’ll likely be a lot faster and actually able to identify your face.