As the prophecy stated more than two thousand years ago, Jesus Christ plans to one day return to this Earth to wreak havoc and, as has been the case every year since Christ left to gather his forces, the Easter Bunny – our silent guardian – has stopped it from happening. This year was no different, as the Easter Bunny once again defeated Jesus and prevented his apocalyptic return to our world, allowing children to hunt for and decorate eggs in his honor.
In an almost unfathomable battle taking place over a small lakefront community in upstate New York, the Easter Bunny rejected Jesus Christ’s attempt to infiltrate our world and enslave all of humanity. “I saw it all happen from my back porch,” said Tyler Braughnsen, a mechanic whose skills might have translated to a more enviable lot in Christ’s slave world. “I guess Jesus tried to open some sort of inter-dimensional portal, and he kept sending wave after wave of angel foot soldiers.”
But with each advance, the Easter Bunny stood fast and strong. Earth’s greatest guardian, sworn to protect humanity every spring from the culmination of the Lord’s plan to one day enslave, and then exterminate, humanity, rejected the onslaught of angels and faced Jesus one-on-one.
“Little do people know, but those in Jesus’ time knew of his plans to end the world,” said Yale theology professor T. Howard Burns. “The Romans entombed him thinking they could prevent the return themselves. But when Christ rose on the third day, a hero rose as well to banish him back to his own realm.”
According to witnesses, the Easter Bunny met Jesus in a blinding flash of light and a thunderous roar that began to split the ground in two. As the Easter Bunny absorbed the energy of the world, he was finally able to send Jesus back through the inter-dimensional portal and seal the gate between his Death Realm and ours.
“I don’t know what we did to deserve a hero like the Easter Bunny,” Burns said. “But I’ll always be grateful he’s here to stop Jesus Christ from destroying humanity.”
The job finished for another year, the Easter Bunny walked off into the horizon, never accepting a word of thanks – and never needing to. For he will be back again next spring, and he will complete his task once again.
