You know when you’re just going about your day and you’re suddenly blindsided by some BULLSHIT that just sends you into an uncontrollable rage and you black out for a bit, waking up to find out you took off your pants and punched a hole through the wall?
We’ve all been there, and today my moment came when I learned that the National Hot Dog and Sausage Council is trying to dictate how people should be eating their hot dogs. The council put together an extensive list of “unpretentious” rules for eating hot dogs, but the most egregious example of their truly bourgeoisie hot dog etiquette is the notion that nobody over the age of 18 should put ketchup on their hot dog. According to these fascists, only mustard, relish, onions, cheese and chili are acceptable.
I’ve been aware of the anti-ketchup movement for some time, and I never quite knew where it originated. But now I see it goes all the way to the top. I don’t care what anybody says – ketchup is a perfectly acceptable, even preferable, condiment for a hot dog. To think otherwise is, I’m sorry to say, painfully wrong. Those of us who sometimes – or all the time! – put ketchup on our hot dogs shouldn’t feel ashamed to do it. Ketchup is displayed as prominently as all the other condiments at the ballpark; how did we get to this point?!
The National Hot Dog and Sausage Council, the institution we’ve trusted to protect all of our hot dog and sausage-related interests, has been poisoning the minds of millions of Americans, turning them against one of the most loyal condiments the world has ever known. Are there any values not under assault these days? If we can’t trust this previously sacred organization to uphold the values of our hot dogs and sausages, who can we turn to?
I want to say this is the darkest chapter in American history, but I’m waiting to see how the National Hot Dog and Sausage Council updates these rules – will mustard be banned next? Will relish and onions be relegated to toppings for only the unwashed masses? Is this going to end with a plain wiener alone on a $5,000 plate, eaten only with a knife and fork made of the finest china, being the only officially accepted method of eating a hot dog?
Not on my watch, motherfuckers.
