If you work in technology, or you follow the latest technology news, or if you know a man, you’ve probably heard about the new hotness: cloud computing. Cloud computing, or “the cloud,” as those in the know refer to it, is heralding a new era of unlimited storage and unlimited words spoken to me about the cloud.
The cloud will solve all our problems, they proclaim, without really specifying which problems need to be solved or how the cloud will solve them.
“The cloud will allow us to spin up a server in minutes,” cloud fans tell me. WTF does that mean? “The cloud will allow us to increase our collaboration,” cloud disciples proclaim. That’s super vague but fine.
And now, just as I was getting on board with this whole cloud thing, I mean the second I said to myself, “Okay, this cloud must really be something,” folks, I kid you not: that was the moment someone actually explained to me what the cloud is, and you better believe I am hopping mad.
All this fuss, all the hours spent listening to impassioned speeches about elasticsearch and automatic security software updates, and for what?
Because, people, what all this new, innovative technology actually amounts to is… wait for it:
STORING YOUR SHIT ON SOMEONE ELSE’S COMPUTER.
This is not a joke. This is more like a national emergency. How could so many people make such a big deal to me about STORING YOUR SHIT ON SOMEONE ELSE’S COMPUTER.
Just no. I won’t be a part of this anymore.
I want to go on thinking of the cloud as a pillowy place in the sky where data goes to play. I don’t want to think of the cloud as the technology equivalent of StorageMart self storage. Gross.
Like, it’s cool that after 6,000 years of civilization as we know it, you finally figured out that you will have more room if you take your shit and put it somewhere else, but please don’t involve me in this lie any longer. Thanks.
