1. Corn Flakes: Corn Flakes were invented by John Harvey Kellogg to discourage masturbation (seriously: Google it). Right after you’ve murdered someone isn’t necessarily a bad time to masturbate, it’s just not hygienic to do it until you shower.
2. Cheerios: Killing someone is stressful, even if they deserved it. Try Cheerios to bring you some much-needed cheer!
3. Lucky Charms: If you’ve gotten their blood all over you, that means you’ve had quite the workout. Consider replacing your lost sugars with Lucky Charms.
4. Steel-cut oatmeal: A good option if you plan to eat your victim, as it goes well with steel-cut human.
5. All-bran: If you didn’t shit yourself with fear, it might be because you’re backed up. Consider this high-fiber option to help move things along.
6. Grape Nuts: This extremely bland and pointless cereal is a good way to satiate your hunger without appearing to celebrate the death of another human being, as that might be in poor taste.
7. Count Chocula: It’s a little on the nose to eat monster-brand cereal right after killing someone, but clearly subtlety isn’t your strong suit. Let this be a warning to anyone who is still considering messing with you.
8. Rice Krispies: Hearing the snap, crackle, and pop of Rice Krispies will help blunt the trauma of hearing your victim’s flesh make these sounds by associating them with a positive experience.
9. Quaker Oatmeal Squares: Your victim has suffered, and if you are to avoid karmic retribution, you need to suffer an equal amount by shoveling this horrible mulch down your throat.
10. Cocoa Puffs: You’ve done a hard day’s work. Why not treat yourself?
