There have been a lot of rumors swirling around lately. A lot of you are saying I’ve been engaging in a “pay-for-play” situation; more specifically, you’ve been saying that I paid off our children’s Little League tee ball coach to get my son, Lucas, more playing time this season.
That is patently false. Lucas is playing so much because he’s the best player on the team this year, despite the fact that he spends most of his time laying in the grass with his finger in his nose.
But back to these fake news allegations against me. Was I was using an offshore shell company to funnel money from my local chapter of the Rotary Club through a Russian deli and then to a bank account that may have been associated with Coach Peterson? Yes. Was I doing it to ensure Lucas got to start at shortstop every game this season? Puh-leez. Lucas is the starting shortstop because of his fielding prowess and prodigious situational awareness. Last game, he DEFINITELY would have gotten Susie out at second base if he hadn’t stopped to pick up that caterpillar.
I know some of you might be wondering why I set up a mysterious LLC just weeks before the season began. Shit, did I just admit that without any of you asking?
Regardless, I’ll have you know that LetLucasPlayShortstop Consulting is a perfectly legit company I started with the professional help of LegalZoom.com. The money paid to Coach Peterson was for freelance consulting work. In no way did those funds go to paying for a new set of mud tires on his Silverado in exchange for a guaranteed number of at-bats for Lucas this season.
To the parents who’ve accused me: shame on you. This is just tee ball! In all honesty, I think these kids should all get to play equally to learn about fairness. But if Coach Peterson wants to play Lucas, I guess he’s going to play Lucas. Eventually, I think Lucas will get some bat on the ball, instead of just snot.
Now that I’ve cleared the air, I have a small additional announcement. The end of the year team awards ceremony will be hosted at Vlad’s Russian Deli and Banya. Everyone will be required to place at least one order of the caviar. And before you ask, this is absolutely not a favor I owe Vlad’s family for helping me funnel money to Coach Peterson.
