NEW YORK – The clichè and hackneyed party theme that the American Dental Association (ADA) has counted on for over a century was once again dug up and recycled as America’s leading advocate for oral health lacked the creative capacity to think out of their tiny tooth-shaped box.
The ADA, the nation’s largest dental association but by far the least imaginative, invited representatives from all fifty states to gather in celebration for the association’s 159th anniversary last Saturday evening. Although some members entered with naive optimism, everyone in attendance was gravely disappointed after discovering the night’s theme was once again “Tooth.”
Over four hundred dental professionals filled the luxurious East Manhattan ballroom that was unsurprisingly cluttered with a plethora of tacky, kitsch Oriental Trading Company tooth-themed party materials. “The table toppers depicting a tooth flossing itself was repulsive,” said Jennifer Willis, an ADA board-certified dentist and attendee of God knows how many tooth-themed parties. “Tooth-themed balloons, tooth-themed streamers, even the carpet had a stupid goddamn tooth on it. Ever consider an under the sea party? Or a space-themed party? I’d be fucking thrilled for a half-assed luau theme.”
The painstakingly drawn-out affair culminated in ADA president Dr. Joseph P. Crowley taking the stage for his final speech, during which he thanked the organization and its members for all their hard work in helping the ADA have another “successful” celebration. Crowley then proceeded to sip punch from an unoriginal tooth-themed paper cup, wipe his mouth with a gaudy tooth-themed napkin and extend an invitation for everyone on stage to blindfold themselves and take a swing at the moronic tooth-shaped piñata containing exclusively mint-flavored floss.
