1. You got an apprenticeship at a Bitcoin mining guild
2. You’re auditioning to be a crisis actor or freelance protestor for George Soros
3. You’ve become a consoler for meninists that can’t get a match on Bumble
4. You’re backpacking around Europe to “find yourself”
5. You’re catering potable spirits at the first raw water convention
6. You’ll be catfishing tweens on Fortnite to get their parents’ credit card information
7. You’re composing a series of Medium essays on the state of public restrooms under a populist administration
8. You’re finally getting around to recovering that LinkedIn password of yours
9. You’re joining a crazy sex cult but only to prevent loneliness and touch-starvation
10. You landed a political science internship at the Mar-a-Lago golf caddy shack
11. You’re renting your parking space to EPA interns at a more competitive rate than the average lobbyist bunkhouse
12. You’re selling your sperm or eggs to a fertility clinic specializing in dual Yanny/Laurel listener embryos
13. You’re shooting a gritty, modern iMovie adaptation of The Boxcar Children starring your roommates from freshman year
14. You’re singing sea shanties from Assassin’s Creed while picking crops at an urban farming start-up
15. You’re starting a thing called the Dial Challenge where teens and germaphobes snort crushed-up soap just to feel clean inside
16. You’re traveling through Southeast Asia to “find your spiritual self”
17. You’re taking an improv comedy class and learning how to deal with either your own crushing social anxiety or the absurdity of being alive
18. You’re writing witty captions for an Instagram model while secretly promoting your own line of essential oils you make in the ruins of your neighborhood’s old meth lab
19. You’re moving back in with your parents and eventually giving into becoming your old high school’s theatre manager
