This summer, scientists should stop using logic and reason to steer the people of this country towards getting on board the renewable energy train. Does that ever work? No! Instead, we should appeal to people’s baser instincts: anger, pride, and narcissism. In fact, facts don’t matter at all. Give the people what they want. Let’s rebrand renewable energy as:
SOLAR FLOW! (cue hip-hop track)
Are you tired of your energy company always nah nahing in your face all the time with bills, bills, bills? Always saying “you owe us money” like some some kind of thief?
Solar Flow lets you use the motherflipping sun to power your home, which is free. That’s right, FREE energy. You just get it. Then, you can take your free energy and shove it in the FACE of your nagging energy company.
SOLAR FLOW!!
You know who loves coal? Santa Claus, when he was mad at you for being a little shit when you were a kid. Remember finding it in your stocking? That totally happened to millions of kids just like you every year, so let’s finally stand up and say, “Fuck your coal, Santa!”
If we use renewables, we’re totally giving a big ol’ fuck you to Santa and his mean coal-stuffing practice during Christmastime. Start using renewables to start taking back your shitty childhood.
SOLAR FLOW!!!
Does your gas tank in your car seem to always, just, lose all its gas after you drive it a while? And then you have to go fill it up at some gas station, and give all your money to annoying gas peddlers? Ugh! You can’t even smoke or vape there!
Solar Flow lets you use a plug, a simple plug, to recharge your car in your parking spot! And your car will be quiet and stealthy like a ninja. Then, you can sneak up on that gas station that always had debit card issues and laugh as your drive by – they’ll never hear you coming!
SOLAR FLOW!!!!
Don’t feel like recycling? Do you find it annoying to put bottles into a blue trash can? And paper into a different blue trash can? Now you have a good reason to bother!
When you download the Solar Flow app you will get extra FlowPoints for every piece of trash you recycle. Just take a selfie with your trash, and tag it with #SolarFlow when you post it. For every fifty recyclables, you get a mention on Facebook. And you know your neighbor Debra will get super jealous of all that attention.
SOLAR FLOW: Take the power back!
