1. The stupid adorable way your dog Banjo begs for treats.
2. That sweet new Honda RAV4 you’ve been eyeing.
3. How you’d rather buy a Mercedes.
4. How you used to be edgy but no one understood your rape jokes were “satire.”
5. It’s surprising that Richard Spencer, self-appointed leader of the alt-right, only seems to eat Thai food.
6. For the record, he’s a white nationalist, #NotANazi.
7. Your Whole30 diet.
8. Your CrossFit workouts.
9. That time you got blood poisoning from CrossFit.
10. How not being able to say the N-word infringes on your first amendment freedoms.
11. Why can’t you just sing it like, one time, along to a rap song?
12. Ugh, finding other stuff to talk about is hard!
13. The flavor profiles of various vegan ice creams.
14. Your bowling league team, The Spare Bears.
15. Why won’t worthwhile women (read: the good looking ones!) date you?
16. The Powerball is up to $25 million!
17. Papa John’s or Pizza Hut?
18. It’s bullshit that you can’t call Caitlyn Jenner “Bruce” anymore
19. For real, this would be easier if you could just say what’s on your mind.
20. Chicks just want a high sexual market value male to provide security.
21. Your love of hockey and – surprisingly – basketball.
22. Your dream of driving an Airstream cross-country, just you and the open road. And Banjo, of course.
23. Your dream of turning that Airstream into a food truck that only sells sliders.
24. Schools aren’t safe anymore.
25. You know what’d make them safer? Guns.
26. Women and minorities just want a crutch to lean on.
27. Ant colonies are built around stunningly complex behaviors.
28. I’m not really supposed to get Westworld, right?
29. “Kids these days,” Tide Pod edition.
30. You don’t hate Puerto Ricans, but statistics show…
31. The #MeToo movement really affected you. Now you can’t talk openly about your love of Annie Hall.
32. You know, there’s really no such thing as “rape.”
33. There’s a white genocide happening, and the proof is that no worthy woman wants to have sex with you.
34. You hurt inside.
