CRYSTAL LAKE, N.J. – Thanks to a bevy of new security measures and a deeper focus on the wellbeing of his campers, Camp Crystal Lake director Tom Jennings touted to reporters Friday that gruesome slayings at the camp were down 28 percent year over year.
“We took a step back after last summer and asked ourselves, ‘What can we do to make this camp even better for the kids?'” said Jennings, who has operated the camp for twenty years and overseen the removal of hundreds of dead bodies. “I knew if we could bring down the rate of horrific murders happening in every corner of this property – we’ve found there’s absolutely nowhere to hide – these campers would be in for a truly amazing summer.”
Jennings credits initiatives such as the Bring a Buddy program – in which campers pair up and walk back-to-back all summer – and the new self-defense whistles given to every camper and employee as reasons for the downward trend in bloodshed. “Now I just need to find enough still-living teens in the Tri-State area who want to be counselors,” he said.
With this momentum carrying him, Jennings now has his sights set on bringing the killings to an end altogether. “We’ll get there. In fact, we’ve managed to decrease beheadings by almost half in the last month alone,” he said, sidestepping some viscera.
For those the camp cannot help, Jennings is leaning on what has always made Camp Crystal Lake a destination summer camp: the creativity of the campers themselves. When pressed about the difficulty of retrieving the severed heads often found hanging in trees, Jennings explained their value as lanterns.
“One candle in the middle of a hollowed-out mouth really lights up the Lovers’ Lane walking path at night,” he said.
