Sure, there’s a whole media frenzy about these new 3D-printed guns. And yes, they are great and all. Perfectly fine for murder. You simply purchase a 3D printer, download a digital blueprint, and then make your very own undetectable-by-metal-detectors AR-15 assault weapon. And then you can shoot real bullets out of them and inflict mortal wounds on totally innocent strangers. Fun, right?
But what if there was something even better?
Guess what? Now there is. And this isn’t even sanctioned by the NRA yet, so you know it’s awful. Because with a 3D-printed gun, that’s all you get. A typical, lame, bullet-shooting, organ-shattering, life-ending gun in its three-dimensional form of height, width, and depth. WOMP, WOMP, BORING!
But let’s get real, I mean, we’re talking about badass weapons of human slaughter-carnage, not a dorky math problem! Get that geometry bullshit out of here.
With our new proprietary software, we’re allowing you to print guns in 4D. Yes, Wayne from Indiana, you heard that right – 4D. “What’s the fourth dimension,” you must be wondering. To be honest, it’s kind of a dark place. Which sort of is the point, and we think you’ll like it. The fourth dimension is the emotional, physical, and psychological trauma that guns cause when they senselessly destroy the lives of innocent victims.
See, a typical 3D-printed gun is just a regular old gun, filled with projectiles meant for bloodshed. But our 4D-printed guns come equipped with the ability to let you feel all the testicle-engorging power of taking another life AND feel the mental repercussions and guilt associated with committing a horrific, gory, front-page-making homicide.
This isn’t your grandpa’s long-range rifle. Because if it was, he’d have learned a little goddam empathy and probably not murdered those POWs in Korea while they had their hands tied behind their backs. But isn’t that the whole fun of guns? Taking the fragile ice sheet of human life and shattering it into a billion little pieces?
Our 4D-printed guns will let you feel like you really did it… WITHOUT HAVING TO DO IT! Our fourth dimension, using VR technology developed by Uber, allows you to feel like you were really there. You’ll be able to see the victims writhing on the ground, begging for one last touch of a faraway family member. You’ll be able to hear your victims’ screams as the shots ring out through the school (or sporting event or concert venue – it’s all customizable). You’ll feel like you were actually there, committing the atrocity with your own two white male hands, as their arterial spray goops down the walls. Chunks of bone and all!!
And the best part is, you get to feel all these sociopathic, murderous rampage feelings without ever having been a sociopath on a murderous rampage! All you have to do is download our new 4D-printed gun blueprint and you too can feel like a killer without the mess of having to take a single human life.
But wait, there’s more! Along with the heart-wrenching remorse you gain from the fourth dimension, you will also be able to gain a small understanding of how racism plays a role in guns in America. Thanks to our cutting-edge 4D technology, not only will you learn how and why gun violence is so prevalent in largely POC areas, but you’ll come to see how, in the media, a black person with a gun is always immediately assumed to be a criminal, where a white person with a gun is assumed to be a “responsible gun owner.” This realization will be heavy and may even bring you to tears. But remember, it’s just part of the brand-new, awesome 4D-printed gun experience!
So go ahead. Put that in your barrel and fire it!!
