1. Lure her over for a refreshing swim on a hot summer afternoon; after all, the pool was built for visitors and it’s a shame to see it go unused. Next, remove the ladder and watch her swim laps helplessly, unable to hoist herself up (especially after her varicose vein surgery). The last part is when she finally pees herself. Like a child!
2. Invite her over for an afternoon tea in the living room and say you’ll just pop out for a second – you forgot the biscuits! Remember to turn the music up before you leave so she will not hear the drilling noises when you remove the living room door. The other option is to leave your screaming kids inside as well but that really depends on how much you like them. Make sure you have enough quick-dry cement to block the hole where the door was previously. Now there is no way to escape and you can practice your evil laugh while she is starving to death, pleading for those biscuits.
3. This demands a bit more commitment and time but what wouldn’t you do for a good bit of a torture? First, build a maze that takes about twelve hours to get out of. Then ask her to get groceries; just tell that she can cook tonight (and make the food with as little salt as she wants); that’ll get her out of your way. Now, for the full viewing experience, use a drone so you can follow her through the maze, maybe even live-stream it to your girlfriends from college who are in dire need of inspiration to deal with their extended families. She will spend the whole day trying to get out, getting exhausted from the sun and the absence of food and water. The true satisfaction comes from the moment she gets out: It’s so late she has to turn back!
4. This oldie but a goodie is the simple stair removal. Mix some sleeping pills with her evening brandy, bring in the handymen and execute Operation Stairway to Hell. This is better suited for a holiday Airbnb rental or, even better, her own house. You wouldn’t want to destroy your freshly minted MOMA-inspired staircase that’ll get you into Elle Decor someday. When she wakes up and finds no stairs she can never come down. Isn’t that what you always wanted?
5. Want to practice those tiling skills you acquired through that “Bathroom Design for a Busy Career Woman (price includes the first hundred tiles smashed in blind rage)” course you took? Wait no more! Turn your house into a giant swimming hall by installing a pool in every room. This way she will have to swim from one chore to another and what time of the year would be better than Christmas when the whole house requires cleaning (done by her, not you), the gifts need wrapping (by her, not you), and the ham needs seasoning (hers, not yours; yours is probably too salty anyway.). She will be quickly on the verge of a breakdown, and as a bonus you’ll get a lot of photos of her in the hideous tankini she claims makes her look ten pounds lighter.
