CHAPEL HILL, N.C. – A recent study has confirmed that dogs don’t like hugs, but humans do, so fuck it. The study, conducted by the University of North Carolina Chapel Hill, supports prior research suggesting that dogs have a deeply-ingrained biological aversion to being hugged. It also confirms that humans couldn’t give less of a shit how dogs feel about being hugged, and that those sweet fluffy bastards are getting hugged anyway.
Experts have a theory as to why dogs hate hugs. “Dogs are what’s known as cursorial animals, meaning their bodies are designed to run quickly. So when a dog is threatened, its first line of defense is to run away rather than to bite you,” said animal behaviorist Raj Rawal. “When you hug a dog, it can no longer run away, which increases the animal’s stress levels. But you know what increases human stress levels? Leaving one of those precious motherfuckers un-hugged.”
When asked if he hugs his own dog, Rawal said, “Absolutely. I didn’t shell out for a Pomsky not to cuddle the fuck out of it.” The Pomsky, a Pomeranian-husky mix, is widely considered one of the most Instagrammable dogs, second only to puppies with adorable birth defects.
Moving forward, scientists plan to disregard whether pet Halloween costumes are detrimental to a dog’s mental health.
