BARRINGTON, Minn. – Twelve-year old Dusten Fairchild is nervously counting down the days until school starts again this month after giving a courageous thirty-second monologue to his biggest bully, Mitch, in late May.
“Clearly I did not think this through,” Fairchild admitted regarding his confrontation on the last day of the previous school year. “Having all the other kids see the whole thing happen and cheer for me after I told Mitch to get lost was a rush, but I’m starting to wonder if maybe I just poked the bear.” Sources say Mitch has spent eight weeks at an intense football training camp for elite athletes, while Fairchild has mostly been playing a lot of Fortnite.
Fairchild’s spring expression of bravery was the culmination of enduring nine months of cruel pranks and emasculating nicknames from Mitch, as well as Fairchild’s recent viewing of the movie Back to the Future. “In the scene where George McFly finally lets Biff have it, I felt in my heart like I’d become a new man too,” Fairchild said. “That day after yelling at Mitch about how fed up I was, I finally felt free. Now I’m realizing there is only so much verbal strategy I can use on a guy who’s pushing 150 pounds in middle school.”
Asked what he was doing to prepare himself to face Mitch again soon, Fairchild indicated he has been hiding in his basement near a bunch of cobwebs, hoping for a radioactive spider bite of some kind.
