NEW YORK – Americans soberly recognize today the anniversary of what has come to be one of the most shocking and defining events in modern history: On September 11th, 2017, Senator Ted Cruz (R-TX) liked porn on Twitter.
“It completely reshaped America, maybe even the world,” said historian Dane McGovern. “Everybody remembers where they were on that day.”
New York resident Michelle Flores recalls that harrowing day herself. “I was at work, just scrolling through Twitter, when I saw that Ted Cruz was trending,” said Flores. “I thought he had died. It turned out to be much, much worse.” The tweet Cruz liked, tweeted from an account called @SexuallPosts, featured a mother catching her daughter having sex and secretly masturbating to it. Experts have yet to come to an agreement on whether this constitutes incest porn.
Regardless, Americans affected by Cruz’s public horniness have vowed to never forget his actions. “I remember turning on the news to see it and thinking, ‘My God, this can’t be happening,’” said Flores. “I would’ve thought for sure it would happen to Trump first.”
Survivors of Cruz’s slutty social media presence have also taken time today to thank the first responders who discovered the tweet in question in the first place. “Without the bravery of those men and women who sifted through the rubble of Ted Cruz’s likes, we may never have discovered that Ted Cruz jerks off,” said Flores.
“September 11th is really about resilience,” said McGovern. “It will go down in history as the day we came together as a nation, united against the common enemy of Ted Cruz cranking his hog. We put aside our differences and rose up to say, ‘Hey, that’s gross.’ And I think that’s what makes America so incredible.”
