1. Think about how you should’ve just gone to law school. That would have been much easier than being a “freelance designer” because everyone can pass the bar but no one can draw comic strips of a talking tissue like you can.
2. Think about how you should be married by now. Think about the nice boy you would have met in law school and how he would have actually enjoyed tutoring you, until one night it was getting late and you kissed him in the library because he looked so cute eating that muffin.
3. Think about how your imaginary husband would have been able to get a high-paying job straight out of law school, meaning that you two would be able to have a proper wedding and you wouldn’t be living with a Polish family in their spare room.
4. Think about how some of this art is really weird.
5. Think about how there are a lot of nudes here and your parents don’t know Allison is gay and probably still won’t, even after seeing this.
6. Think about that book Lincoln in the Bardo. What was it actually about? You keep telling people you’ve read it and making vague comments about the symbolism. Why do you do that? Do you just want people to think you’re smart? Is that it?
7. Think about whether or not people are over that book yet. If they aren’t, then maybe you should actually read it. It must be good if people still aren’t over it, right?
8. Think about how you’ll deflect the conversation to one of the art pieces as quickly as possible whenever anyone asks how you’re doing.
9. Think about how to believably say the sentence, “The colors used in this piece are beautiful and delicate but the steel sculpture of the lamb is really the one that stole my heart this evening.”
10. Think about what to say to Allison when you inevitably have to talk to her. The key is to subtly mention her old shoplifting charge in order to put her down and discourage her from bringing up anything about your personal or professional life.
11. Think about the fact that if anyone asks you about Lincoln in the Bardo tonight you’re fucked.