Journalism 4089: Writing for the Internet
Students learn that long, dull, well-researched articles are not so effective, while short, “funny” ones seem to go over well. Students will learn how to write/rewrite already existing articles, and even though your whole career will consist of writing list articles, only half of the course will be dedicated to crafting the most perfect listicles such as, “15 Things Worse Than Learning Beyoncé Lip-Synched At Coachella (9/11 Isn’t One of Them)” and “Only 90s Kids Remember These 15 Songs They Used to Play Extra Loud in Order to Drown Out The Noise of Their Mom Having Loud Animal Sex With Your Stepdad In The Next Room.”
Simplified audience psychology is explored in this course through questions like, “Why are articles about international trade and tariff barriers less interesting than articles about celebrity asses (both the physiological and behavioral)?”
Law 5609: Advanced Prosecution
The goal of this class is to get me, the professor, fired. If you succeed in getting me fired from the university you pass the class. Exemplary students will also get me sentenced to a period of jail time.
Note: This time I will not accidentally use the N-word in an email
Athletic Training 2866: Refereeing Soccer
Take this class because, like soccer, your life has no goals.
Biology 1007: Intro to Anatomy
Male and female bodies are examined and studied. Students will learn that boobs are very sexy but they also keep babies alive. Blood is studied and students will explore why it is probably the best thing to have running through your veins. Students will also be required to attended field trips to the male locker room of the local rec center where they will analyze the elasticity of an aged scrotum after it dries onto a small metal bench.
English 2078: Applied Studies
This is a required course for all English majors. This course will teach you an applied skill like welding, plumbing, construction, or barista skills so you will have something to do after you graduate.
Philosophy 4589: Nothing
This class explores the idea of nothing by having students do nothing. In fact, participation in any form will lose you points for the semester. The class is held in various times, in various locations throughout campus, so be careful not to show up because you will lose points. The goal of this semester is for students to experience the feeling of nothing.
A-level students will know nothing about this course, B-level students are reading this description right now, C-level students are those who are still reading this, and D-level students, I’m sorry, please, you really need to stop learning anything about this course. Any further participation in this class is an automatic failure so if you register for it you will lose all points.
Political Science 4699: Advanced Harry Potter Theory
There are absolutely zero differences between Harry Potter and politics. Professor Arnold Adams, author of Hillary Clinton: The Boy Who Lived, will teach this advanced course on Harry Potter politics (Poli Sci 1098 and Poli Sci 2889 are required course before enrolling in this advanced seminar).
This course will examine the rise of Nazism through the lens of He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named’s army. Students will also learn that there is zero difference between the civil rights movement, women’s suffrage, LGBTQ struggles and house elves/Mudbloods. Students will analyze how Harry Potter predicted Donald Trump’s election in 2016 and how we can #resist by crafting well-thought-out tweets comparing today’s political landscape to the sixth and seventh Harry Potter books. This course will also delve deeper into exploring why Slytherins are Republicans, Gryffindors are Democrats, Ravenclaws are Liberals and Hufflepuffs are Libertarians.
