Dear Mom,
You’re watching me write this from the bushes outside my window, but I’m pretending not to see you. The binoculars are a bit much and the gardener disguise isn’t working; I know it’s you. It’s always you crouching in the bushes pretending to prune everyday at 3:30.
I’ve decided to write this letter the old-fashioned way, with pen and paper, instead of Facebook because you always see that I’m online and reply before I can finish the first sentence. This gives me the chance to form my thoughts and work out exactly what I want to say.
Mom, we need to talk about boundaries. We need boundaries, because it’s not okay when you and Sharon from work prank call me to ask if my refrigerator is running. I know it’s you because I looked out the window and saw you and Sharon on my back porch shotgunning beers and laughing over the phone. Please tell Sharon that her Mitch McConnell impersonation is getting better but caller ID blew her cover.
You see, Mom, the Oxford English Dictionary defines boundaries as “a line which marks the limit of an area.” I am considering my property line to be our new boundary. You are not allowed within that designated area unless I say. This means no more coming in to drink milk straight out of the carton or putting on all of my clothes and drunk shopping on QVC. I don’t care how good the deals are.
Mom, boundaries are not only physical but can be something abstract like an activity or topic. So there are things we are not going to talk about anymore, like money. You need to stop asking for money. I know you put a lot of effort into your plan, but stealing my dog and then helping me with the missing signs was not a good plan. Again, the sexy nurse costume did not hide your identity and no matter how many times you ask, I am not giving you $500 in reward money. Let it go.
The main motivator for writing this letter was the incident from last week, when I came home from vacation to find you snacking naked on my couch and watching TV. I specifically gave you the key only for an emergency and to water the plants. Despite what you say, I don’t consider a Full House marathon on Channel 7 to be an emergency. Yes I do think that Uncle Jessie is handsome, but not masturbate-while-eating-
So in summary, you are not allowed on my property. We will not discuss money and I will be taking a month or so of no contact. I’m sorry that it has come to this, but I had to put my foot down. After signing this letter, I’m going to fold it up and take it outside and hand it to you, then you will have exactly five minutes to leave before I call the police.
Regards,
Jean