Congratulations, you are the owner of a brand-new house in a swanky subdivision by the airport. Wow, two tone-paint, luxury vinyl tile, sapling-lined streets – and only a seven-hour commute to work!
But here’s the best part: Your beautiful new house also comes with its very own ghost. Meet Jeremy, the ghost of a disgruntled Kmart sales associate who bludgeoned his shift supervisor to death with a garden gnome in 1992. Oh, did the realtor forget to mention that?
Anyway, here are the signs your new house is built on the ruins of a Big Kmart with a BAD history:
- Red Icee is seeping through your walls.
- All your lights turn fluorescent.
- Neighbors have reported a flashing blue light coming from your windows.
- A phantom PA system squeals in the dead of night.
- The ghost of a shopping cart with a broken wheel rattles up and down your hallway.
- Your kitchen floor is perpetually sticky.
- Your bathroom smells like a truck stop urinal.
- The rest of the house smells like a food court.
- You can hear Muzak playing, but you don’t know where it’s coming from.
- Red polo shirts appear in your closet.
- You often find yourself suddenly and inexplicably filled with an overwhelming sense of shame and self-disgust.
- You keep stepping in fresh gum in your foyer.
- You find Kmart receipts all over the house. They all say: VOID VOID VOID VOID VOID VOID VOID VOID VOID VOID VOID JEREMY IS GOING TO KILL KILL KILL YOU VOID VOID VOID VOID VOID VOID VOID VOID VOID VOID VOID VOID VOID VOID VOID VOID VOID VOID VOID JEREMY IS GOING TO KILL KILL KILL YOU VOID VOID VOID VOID VOID VOID VOID VOID VOID VOID VOID VOID VOID VOID VOID VOID VOID VOID VOID VOID VOID VOID VOID VOID VOID VOID VOID VOID
- The specter of a pale-faced man wearing a red polo shirt occasionally flickers in your bathroom mirror. His name badge says Jeremy. Jeremy is holding a garden gnome, and he looks especially disgruntled.