Happy holidays, everyone! I’m here to share my grandmother’s recipe for authentic Italian spaghetti and meatballs, a recipe straight from the homeland. This hearty comfort meal is perfect for any family gathering during these chilly months.
Nonna’s meatballs are a favorite of my new boyfriend, Todd, who just got back from a boys’ trip to Vegas with no cash and an inexplicably positive outlook. Let’s dive in.
1. Boil 2 cups of water at a super high temperature that Todd will gently remind you is crucial to the boiling process. When my grandma came over from Italy with nothing but $10 and desire to teach my relatives how to cook, she taught us the basics as she learned them from a blind pasta maker in Firenze. That said, it’s helpful that Todd periodically reminds you that the little bubbles indicate that it’s boiling. Otherwise, you may waste valuable minutes waiting for the smell of almonds or something.
2. Once boiled, add one box of spaghetti. Todd recommends dumping it all in super fast so the now-scalding water splashes everywhere, including your arms. Make time in this busy holiday meal preparation to half-heartedly agree that it would be really cool if all your skin got burned off, then the doctors grew it back with salves and stuff. Yes, cooler if it grew back like scales.
3. Sprinkle a pinch of garlic salt before Todd grabs it out of your hands and adds a baffling mixture of spices such as cumin and whole cloves. When Nonna was working as Wolfgang Puck’s apprentice at Spago in 1984, Wolfgang praised the simplicity of fresh herbs. However, Todd’s buddy who got fired from Jack-in-the-Box recommends “adding shit ‘til it tastes good,” so we’ll go ahead and do that.
4. While waiting for the pasta to cook, combine chopped Vidalia onions, 1 cup of fresh breadcrumbs and your ground beef/veal mixture to make the meatballs.
That’s right, Todd. I said “balls.” We haven’t known each other very long, but you seem really comfortable with the gestures.
5. Next up: the sauce. Nonna Maria saved her village’s crumbling economy by selling this marinara sauce to travelers. Combine 2 cans of whole peeled tomatoes, 1 cup sugar, 1 bay leaf, tomato paste, olive oil, and 4 cloves of garlic. Let simmer for one episode of South Park.
6. Fry meatballs in a thin layer of EVOO while Todd reminds you that “medium well” means there’s some pink in the middle and “well-done” means you’re a pussy.
7. Sprinkle ½ cup of parmesan cheese while the meatballs are still simmering. If you’re not into parm or simply ask what other cheese is available, Todd can non-consensually slap a Kraft single right on top of the pasta once it’s in the bowl. Won’t heat it up or anything.
8. Add (way too much) salt to (Todd’s) taste. Serve over an uncomfortable discussion about why everyone should hunt for their own meal at least once.