It’s been a tough year for gun rights advocates such as myself. There have been over three hundred mass shootings. Over and over, plainly dangerous people have gained access to high-powered weapons – very often legally – and used them for their intended purpose: killing a lot of humans very quickly. And over and over, the arguments I make in favor of loosely-regulated private gun ownership fall on their face.
It’s just too tiring to keep up, so I’m dropping the pretense. There’s one real reason I argue in favor of my right to buy many powerful guns with few restrictions: I am full to the gills with rage and bloodlust, and I want nothing more than to get to shoot somebody.
I don’t give a shit about hunting and sport shooting. I suppose I’d feel different if I had to hunt to feed my family, but I don’t. There are five Arbys’s in my town; I’m pretty set. To me, hunting is just an excuse to spend a weekend away from my wife and get drunk in the woods. You ever eaten venison? Duck? Pheasant? Garbage, all of it. Give me a Beef ‘n Cheddar any day.
Using my guns to stand up to a tyrannical government? Psh. I love the troops – I’d be one if I could pass literally any of the tests they make you take. As long as the president’s the right color, I’m pretty much fine with the military and the cops doing whatever the hell they want. Shit, they’re doing a real-life Jade Helm in Texas right now and I’m cheering them on. Even if I somehow felt inclined to go all Wolverines on ‘em, what am I supposed to do? You know the government has, like, drones and shit, right? I’m not taking a Hellfire missile up my peehole for liberty.
But as for home defense? Oh baby, I’m all about it. My house is an armory: semi- and fully automatic rifles, handguns, shotguns, all kept loaded and within arm’s reach. No gun safes for me! Believe me, I’m more than ready to stand my ground against a terrified twenty-year-old junkie who just wants my TV.
“Why don’t you get a deadbolt instead?” Haven’t you been listening? I don’t want to discourage a thief, I want to kill one. The second they step onto my property I’m letting loose. I can’t wait for them to try some shit. I yearn for it. The day I murder someone with the State’s blessing is the day I will be complete as a human being.
“But statistically, you’re more likely to shoot a family member by accident!” Honestly, it’s a risk I’m willing to take. If my four-year-old takes one in the leg, well, shit happens. Price of freedom. I can always have more kids, but I am not missing my chance to kill a man.
Same goes for carrying in public. I absolutely love carrying. Open carry is the only way to go. I do it anywhere that lets me, and a lot of places that don’t until I threaten to call the NRA and start a boycott. Not because I’m a Good Samaritan who’s super concerned about stopping a robber and saving 7-Eleven from having to make an $800 insurance claim. Because of how it makes everyone act. They know how bad I want to use it. I love the looks in everyone’s faces, the smell of fear. They know that the second I see anything that even 1% looks like a threat to public safety, I’m hauling this iron out and spilling some blood. I don’t care if I make the whole situation a thousand times more dangerous. The way I see it, I either come out on top or it’s no longer my problem.
If a mass shooter turns up, you better believe I’m gonna be the good guy with a gun. Am I trained for that sort of scenario? Well, I go to the range about once a month, though admittedly I spend more time trading NPC memes than shooting. But I promise you this, I’ll be the bloodthirstiest one in the room. I’ll fire wildly and unceasingly until I get my target, and whoever else bites it is the victim of a tragic but ultimately understandable mistake.
That kind of stuff is fine as far as it goes, but there’s still a chance I might get prosecuted or sued over something. I mean, it’s a slim chance (I’m white), but the truly ideal scenario is entirely consequence-free killing. That’s why I love prepping. That imminent societal collapse I talk about all the time, and which is my rationale for buying even more guns? I can’t fucking wait for it. I’m stoked. Race riots, water shortages, martial law – I want it all. The thought of firing indiscriminately into a looting mob gets me hard. Just dropping one dirty rabble-rouser after another, with nary a lawyer in sight. I’m gonna be the shootin’-est motherfucker in the whole apocalypse, and I’ll need to be, too, because I’ve got to defend my family against all the other guys like me.
This is my dream, and none of your liberal bullshit about “safety” and “common sense” is going to quash it. Being able to shoot a person is my line in the sand. Unless you have some suggestion as to who I can legally kill and how I can do it, I’m afraid this debate is over.
