LOS ANGELES – Horror was the main theme of this year’s Thanksgiving in the City of Angels, as beloved actor Tom Hanks brutally massacred his family tradition when he butchered the carving of the turkey at the dinner table.
“It was absolutely gruesome,” said cousin Gary Hanks, who watched aghast from the kitchen. “He just kept digging the knife in there, hacking away indiscriminately. And the most terrifying part? He was smiling and laughing the whole time.”
According to Gary, Tom loomed over the table before dinner, sharpening his knives with a gleam in his eyes. Normally a steady hand, slicing the thigh and breast meat with precision as the family sat around him, the scene felt different this year.
“I knew something was wrong when we went around the table saying what we were thankful for,” Gary said. “Tom was smiling, his tears welling up, and he looked like he was somewhere else entirely. And the turkey… how else can I describe it? He mutilated everything.”
According to a neighbor who witnessed the chaos from a window, Hanks didn’t stop at massacring the family tradition.
“He stuffed the discarded body parts into a thin plastic grocery bag,” said Cheryl Taylor. “Everyone knows you have to double bag it so the juices don’t spill through.”
