Netflix is excited to announce its newest talk show! It has a name, but that name is not important. You won’t remember the name. What you will remember is our star. We hope. A more or less household name that many of you could have heard of at some point. Depending on the circumstances. They’re really the only reason we’re making this dang show.
And to guarantee its success, we did what we always do here at Netflix: give that talented individual a boatload of cash to do their thing – only in this case, that thing is a time-sensitive show entirely antithetical to our business model.
With this new show you can finally have an online forum for all of today’s hot button issues that do not age well in the slightest. In fact you may not even be able to understand the joke that was bitingly relevant when it first aired a week ago. Will you laugh along anyways? Probably. You’re desperately trying to justify your decision to watch. Hell, turn it off if you want to. We don’t care. We already have your money.
By the way, your ex is still using your account.
We get that this type of show isn’t our MO. We’re known for being a repository of popular programs to binge before Hulu gets them. But we’re progressive too, and at this point we have more dough than we know what to do with. So why not branch out? Or as we call it in the industry, “pivot.”
Pivoting into weekly, hell, even nightly programming is a perfect way for us to burn some of our excess cash while also building relationships with new content creators. And by relationships, we mean draconian, decade-long contracts that keep them out of the grubby hands of our competitors. And with no commercial breaks!
Maybe you haven’t even heard about our new little talk show. That makes sense. Unless you live in an “important” city (think Los Angeles, New York, maybe Chicago if the host is a local), we won’t spend a single dime of our $100 billion valuation generating awareness for a show that is everything its creator and star has dreamed of their entire life. If you do live in one of these important cities, expect to see a billboard at a highly visible intersection featuring our celebrity host’s smiling face. Then expect to see that billboard replaced in about three days with an ad for our next Marvel series. A gritty reboot of Frog Thor? Why the fuck not.
In fact, you won’t even see this show in your Netflix dashboard. Doesn’t matter if you’ve liked everything else our star has been in, we’re burying it deep inside our “algorithm.” That said, your mother had the very loud trailer auto-play every day for the three months preceding its release. She’ll probably ask you about it, which is how you’ll find out in the first place. Surprise! And as with many of our titles, you’ll be able to download this hot new show to your mobile device. Occasionally. When we feel like it. Truthfully there’s no rhyme or reason to what you can save or not. We just spin a wheel.
So tune in! We’re very excited about our new show. Annnnnd it’s canceled. But while we’re here, have you seen the new season of Frog Thor?