I’ve never been one for conspiracy theories, but more and more I’m starting to believe Tila Tequila that the Illuminati exists.
I say this because there has to be some grand, evil force behind the Hallmark Offensive that’s swept across our country over the past few decades. You see, holidays have shifted from annual celebrations of something someone told us happened in the past to near-constant stops at the Walgreens three blocks from your grandmother’s house to buy a $6 card and aluminum foil for the roast. At least, it’s shifted that way in my family.
Use my grandmother’s own tin foil, you say? Don’t be ridiculous.
Hallmark has done what most companies are not brave enough to do. Not only has Hallmark infiltrated Congress to establish the law that you must buy their cards every holiday, but the company has even gone as far as to flat-out create more holidays to force more occasions where people end up buying their products at the last minute. I say “most companies” above because I do consider Toyotathon and Lobster Fest religious holidays.
While I can understand how the average “Season’s Greetings” cards around Christmastime are a nice reminder that distant relatives are still alive, many faux holidays have been strategically planted throughout our calendar simply to increase Hallmark sales – see Grandparent’s Day, Sweetest Day, and the ever-popular Administrative Professionals’ Day.
Hallmark has even branched into holidays that don’t deserve cards. My grandfather sent me cashless Halloween cards from ages 12 to 19. That’s not normal, I’ve checked.
So here we are, spending our hard-earned money on those festive, sometimes whacky, dare I say zany pieces of paper Hallmark ever so kindly folds for us. And what have we gotten out of it? Slightly less guilt. And who feeds on the knowledge that the American people have slightly less guilt? The Illuminati.
I call on you, the valiant reader, to apply for any and all open positions at Hallmark. Distribution centers, headquarters, retail stores. Whatever it takes. We must expose the truth of the Illuminati’s plan to toy with our emotions for monetary gain and world domination. We can only take them down from within.
I’ll meet you in the breakroom for Phase 2.
