- Get rid of the cheerleaders. Studies show that women respond poorly to half-naked college girls bouncing around on the sidelines, citing “blatant sexism” as their number one concern. Instead, the half-naked college girls can just stand on the sidelines and smile. Boom, blatant sexism eradicated.
- Amend the rule on touchdown celebrations to state that all celebrations must be in the form of a Magic Mike routine. Magic Mike XXL grossed $167 million worldwide. That’s all the evidence we need that a 49-year-old woman from Wisconsin wants a tight end the same age as her son to gyrate in her face on national television.
- Create a more inviting environment for women. We’ve drawn up plans to renovate all of the ladies’ restrooms in every stadium. Phase one has us demolishing the current facilities and creating larger bathroom stalls that fit four or five toilets each. Women love going to the bathroom together.
- Give the players stock personalities, like they do in boy bands. The Heartthrob. The Bad Boy. The Big Brother Type. Believe it or not, when this idea was originally tested in the 70s, OJ was The Shy One.
- Lure women into the stadium with gifts. The first 500 ladies through the gates at each game will receive a tampon. Women love tampons.
- Hire a female referee. Women want to see themselves represented on the field, so we could – wait, what? We already did this? In 2015? Are you sure? How many did we hire? Just the one? Are we going to hire more? We said we were going to? But we didn’t? Wow, how did I miss that…
- Make a push for breast cancer awareness. Free mammograms in the front office, heyooo! Don’t write that one down, that was a joke.
- But seriously, we could go back to pink shoes for breast cancer awareness. Women are drawn to the color pink the way we’re drawn to the color of siphoning money from a charitable cause.
- Permanently ban any player convicted of domestic assault – I know, this is harsh – from attending the league’s annual pancake breakfast.
- Support gender equality by signing the first female player in NFL history. Not as a receiver, running back, or defender, because we don’t need her getting hurt and trying to enforce the concussion protocol. And not as a quarterback, because girls can’t throw. Kicker. We’ll sign a woman as a kicker. Back-up kicker. Second back-up kicker! Practice squad back-up kicker! That’s perfect, write that down.
