Chapter 1: You’re a high school girl, intrigued by all things creepy and crawly, especially cockroaches. You love to spend your days outdoors with your best friend Tom, observing and collecting specimen. One day your parents tell you to join a school club to improve your college prospects. You:
A) Join the science club with Tom! You can’t wait to do your project on cockroaches! (Go to Option B – sorry kid, it’s their house, their rules.)
B) Your parents think your fascination with cockroaches is revolting and, besides, boys and girls can’t be friends! Also you could use more exercise. Softball it is! (Go to Chapter 2.)
Chapter 2: Yikes! High school sucked. You quit softball after one season and everyone called you Roach Queen (because of the roach breeding program you ran out of your locker). Now it’s time to enroll yourself at the four-year institution of your choice! You:
A) Major in biology (more like bug-ology, am I right?). You know it sounds crazy, but you have a feeling this is your destiny. (Go to Chapter 3.)
B) Your parents are way too tired to fight with you anymore. Do what you want. Just don’t go crawling to them when you can’t find a bug job! (Get it? Crawling? Go to Chapter 3.)
Chapter 3: You did it! Not only did you graduate as top bug-girl, you also have a boyfriend! How did that happen? Not important! You decide to:
A) Accept an internship at the Cockroach Institute of New York City. This is the one opportunity Eminem told you about! (Sorry, your guy hates the city and will break up with you if you go! You don’t realize this is a red flag; it’s okay, we’ve all been there. Go to Option B.)
B) Follow your boyfriend to Ohio. He has an actual job there and your cockroach obsession is the thing he hates about you the most. Some things are worth sacrificing, right? Right? Right?!
(Go to Chapter 4.)
Chapter 4: Wow! Time flies! You and your boyfriend have been living together for years now. Life is… okay; it’s like my neighbor’s eggplant parmesan – grey, watery, and cold in the middle. You:
A) Get married! Everyone is doing it these days! Maybe it will bring the excitement back to a long-dead flame. (Go to Chapter 5.)
B) Break up with your boyfriend! He says, “Babe! I thought our love would live forever!” You say, “It wouldn’t even survive an apocalypse. You know what would? Cockroaches.”
(You lay in bed at night, staring at the ceiling and haunted by the thought of moving back in with your parents. You decide to give it another go. Go to Chapter 5.)
Chapter 5: It’s your wedding. You’re at the altar. You look at your beloved. He looks at his phone. A guest coughs. A giant cockroach crashes through the stained glass window, killing your fiancé. “ERRRRREEEECH!!!”, it screams.
Tom, your childhood friend, runs into the church yelling, “Come with me!” You:
A) Go with Tom. Ignore your mother as she yells, “Are you two having an affair?! I told you, boys and girls can’t be friends!”(Go to Chapter 6.)
B) Stay by your fiancé’s side. Scream in terror. (You die.)
Chapter 6: Tom explains how human activity like drilling and fracking has awakened an ancient lair of massive cockroaches slumbering under the Earth’s crust. Now they’re destroying all civilization! What should you do?!?!
A) Work together to create a ray gun that allows you to communicate with and tame the cockroaches. (Go to Chapter 7.)
B) Go to your congressman and make your case, begging them to help. (They roll their eyes, “You’re hysterical,” they say. “Get back out there and hit the dating scene!” You pull out your phone to download Tinder. A giant cockroach bursts out of a nearby closet and bites your head off.)
Chapter 7: You and Tom complete the ray gun and go out to celebrate with hot dogs from a street vendor. A giant cockroach storms the street, screeching as it chucks cars around. Tom shouts “Go! Get the gun! I’ll hold it off with my wieners!” You:
A) Scream and start running in small circles. (You die.)
B) Get that goddamn gun!!! (Go to Chapter 8.)
Chapter 8: You use the ray gun on the giant cockroach and corral all of the other buggies. You force the energy industries to respect their ancient home, thus saving the world! You and Tom start a new foundation called Cockroach Science Labs. Public opinion of you is:
A) “Boo! She set up the whole thing to off her boyfriend for the life insurance!” (“Starship Troopers was better.”)
B) “It’s a shame she’s too busy to have a family, the truly selfless thing to do.” (“Starship Troopers was better.”)
C) “So, she and Tom are banging, right?” (“Starship Troopers was better.”)
