Principal Tam cleared her throat. “Brad, thanks for coming. Please sit down.”
He took the seat in front of her desk.
“I wanted to talk about your health education class,” Principal Tam said. “I think that Elmhurst Elementary School was pretty clear in our instructions. A simple educational talk about sex.”
“Ahh, yes. The bats and the bees.”
“That’s just it, Brad. I’m not sure where you heard that phrase. It’s not quite what we were looking for.”
“You mean your parents never taught you the bats and the bees?”
“Most definitely not.”
“When a Momma Bat loves a Dada Bat very much, and they both feel the colony has an abundance of food, they will mate.”
“Yes, thanks. Brad, I wonder how you could possibly have misunderstood us. We were incredibly clear.”
“But I taught everything on your list,” Brad protested. “The sexually transmitted diseases – rabies, histoplasmosis, and the Marburg hemorrhagic fever.”
“But no mention, of course, of syphilis, gonorrhea or HIV.”
“I did cover HIV. Despite common myths, the HIV virus is not transmissible through bats.”
Tammy sighed. “Anyway, since you failed to deliver, I’m afraid we have to fire you.”
“But what did I do wrong here?”
“Look. The school board was hoping for a fun, cute class about human sexuality. You gave us a long and frankly terrifying lecture about bats.”
Brad frowned. “The kids were scared?”
“Scared? Brad, you told them that their bodies were going to be changing soon. The hairless spots on their bodies would develop a thin brown fuzz. Their wings would strengthen and grow. They would soon awake with a fervent, unquenchable thirst for blood.”
“The facts of life are scary, sure, but-”
“Brad. What I’m gathering here is that you seem to see no difference between young children and bats.”
Brad laughed nervously. “No, of course I do. That’s silly.”
“Let me show you something. Come in, Bobby,” she called.
A young boy entered the office.
“Bobby, can you tell me what Mr. McConnell taught you about sex?” Principal Tam asked.
The boy’s eyes went wide. “BATS! BATS! BATS!”
“That’s enough, Bobby. Thank you.”
Bobby fled.
“Look, I kind of went out on a limb when I hired you,” Principal Tam said. “The school board wanted to get someone more experienced. But I thought you had spunk.”
“Which I appreciate,” Brad said.
“But I’m starting to regret that, Brad. I’m starting to think you don’t even know what sex is. Can you tell me?”
“Ummm… Bats are flying mammals. Bats can run at up to 1.14 meters per second. Bats-”
“Enough! Brad, I’m gunning for you here. You have one more chance to fix this, but if you can’t get with the program we will have to fire you.”
“But bats-”
Principal Tam shook her head.
Brad frowned. He took a book out of his messenger bag. “Fine. I’ll teach the kids from this informative textbook you gave me.”
“Good. Are we clear here? We agree that children are not bats?”
“Of course. I will tell them the truth about their hairless, fragile human bodies.”
“Good.”
Principal Tam left the room.
Brad sighed. “No one understands.” He snapped his fingers, transforming into a bat, and vanished in a cloud of smoke.