Well, I really botched this one good. My New Year’s resolution was a simple one: patch things up with the missus. And, lo and behold, I’ve done screwed it up already. She hired a hitman to kill me.
We’ve been rocky for a long time. I haven’t been a very good husband, I can fess up to that. Sometimes I’m careless and negligent. But I’ve been working on it! Honest! But I didn’t expect our little spat to turn into her hiring Tony Bones the Strangler to do me in.
But to be frank, I probably should have expected exactly this. Because she’s done it twice before.
The first time was when I accidentally lost twenty thousand dollars at the Trump Taj Mahal casino. I didn’t understand the rules of roulette and I’m sorry, but anybody could have made that mistake. After that, she hired ex-Navy SEAL Martin Sniper. Two .50 caliber rounds to my Honda Civic later and he got caught by the boys in blue. I bet you’re wondering, how’d he miss? Well, Mr. Sniper just wasn’t prepared for how erratic of a driver I am on a good day. My driving instructor once told me, “I’m passing you as a gag.”
Which leads me to the second time. I accidentally ran the car through her debut art gallery in Chelsea and destroyed all of her paintings. I tried to tell her that I was just excited to see it. I was so proud! And I just lost control of the wheel and destroyed an estimated $4 million worth of art. Yikes. So what does the old lady go and do? Hire Pig Rat the Poisoner. And three meals in a row I get food poisoning. Turns out, Pig Rat was using expired cyanide and the chemicals weren’t as potent. That, in addition to my iron stomach, allowed me to make it out okay. But my doctor said, “Your colon is irreparably damaged,” to which I replied, “It’s been like that.”
Anyhow, now it’s January and on New Year’s Eve I made a resolution to not get another mark on my ass. But I already blew it. And I’m scared because I heard Tony Bones the Strangler is the worst of the worst! I’m part of this forum of all husbands who are targets and that’s what they said. They said he’s sneaky and will always find a way to get his hands around your neck. Now I have that to worry about in addition to making things right with my wife.
Cut me some slack, 2019.
Anyway, that’s all for today. Just wanted to get that off my chest. Time for me to go to my weekly blind-folded neck measurements.