Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God. Holy shit! Christian Bale just thanked me for inspiring him?! CHRISTIAN FUCKING BALE?! I mean, I didn’t even think he knew who I was for Christ’s sake! This is just so amazing. And to be finally acknowledged for all the hard work I do!
I spent many years feeding ideas into Dick Cheney’s head. Had him pegged when he was only six years old and smugly yanked on a little girl’s ponytail, and he didn’t even like her! Just thought it’d be funny to watch her scream. I said to myself then, “This is a kid who can do some real damage one day.” But I had to ensure his devotion and make him docile, so each night, while he slept, I’d send my expert soul-sucker, Jerry, to Dick’s place and slowly suck out all his charisma, inch by lovely inch.
And here we are now, and American Psycho himself has recognized me. Me?! I can’t believe it! Maybe this is my year! I was worried with that sickening do-gooder Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez coming into power I might not accomplish all I had in store this year, but now hope has been returned. I’m no longer worried about some young dancing queen from the Bronx because I still got ol’ Mikey. No, not the baby boss, that motherfucker really is unbelievably annoying. The other Vice lying in wait.
Which reminds me, good God, the most evil Batman of all even called out my work with that napping turtle Mitchy Mitch McConnell. I thought I was being subtle with that one, just like I’ve been with Pence-y boy. I mean, Bale didn’t directly thank me for my life-mooching skills with this Kentucky-born charisma-free reptile. Eh, I probably don’t deserve it, really, as this guy was basically born without an ounce of life force. Nonetheless, I have had a lot of manpower over there in his Capitol office making sure he ignores the rights of every sappy bleeding heart human, refuses to allow any wage hikes for useless workers, and continues his ongoing support for cutting funding for those sorry sick and old people.
When that New Year’s ball dropped this year, I was starting to really question my skills. That damned blue wave nearly drowned me, my boyyyeeee Paul “Boy Scout” Ryan ran for the hills like his balls just got stung by a scorpion (I’m saving the real thing for when he comes down here for good), and no one will build me my wall! But thanks to the ranting, method acting, body-morphing icon Christian goddamned Bale, I have renewed energy. If I can inspire him, the greatest actor of all time, I can do anything!
