A lot of first-time smokers are intimidated by brisket. It’s a great cut of meat, but if not smoked right, it can come out tough and not be a whole lot of fun to eat. But if you follow these instructions, you’ll be a half-day away from a delicious meal that would taste better if my eleven year-old stepson Ethan was at a sleepover or somewhere else. Who knows, if you follow my instructions you might just have a little fun during the process.
That was a joke. You won’t have fun. My wife is going to insist that Ethan help.
Ingredients
10 lb. Brisket
Slather
Yellow Mustard
Dry Rub*
Brown Sugar
Smoked Paprika
Cayenne Pepper
Cumin
Garlic Salt
Garlic Powder
Onion Powder
Rosemary
Sage
*I don’t know the measurements because Ethan brought my measuring spoons to school and gave them to his gym teacher
Buying the Brisket
There are two cuts to a brisket: the point and the flat. The flat is leaner. The point is fatter. Remember it this way: Ethan is fat.
Buying the Wood
I like using hickory for the sole reason that it is closest to the store entrance and I don’t want Ethan fucking around.
Setting up the Smoker
I’m using a two-rack Weber egg-style smoker. A lot of purists would say to use an offset smoker and I would agree but those are expensive and we had to pay for Ethan’s musical theater camp so here we are.
This kind of smoker requires you to use a mixture of charcoal and wood. To save time, set up the wood and charcoal in the base the night before the smoke. Try to do the setup when Ethan is at one of his dance recitals. If you wait for when Ethan gets back he’s going to want to help, then it’s like one charcoal at a time and then it’s like why the fuck did you even sign up for this shit.
The Day of the Smoke
If you are looking to get the brisket ready for dinner, your day is going to begin roughly around 3:30 AM. Don’t worry. Ethan is up.
You have to be clear that the fire is for the meat and not for marshmallows. Ethan is going to freak out because his mother bought him marshmallows and he told his imaginary friend they were going to roast marshmallows. It’s now 4 AM. Whisper in his ear that you and him are the only ones awake and if you were lions in the wild you would have already eaten him. He is going to run to his mother screaming that you threatened to kill him. Whatever. Make a small fire next to the smoker and let him have a fucking marshmallow.
Preparing the Meat
Before you put the meat in you want to slather and dry rub the meat. For slather I like to use a yellow mustard that I keep in the garage. I don’t use the one in the fridge because Ethan likes to suck on all the nozzles. His mom calls it his “funny little snack.” I don’t think it’s funny.
Cover the brisket in a solid coating of yellow mustard. Let Ethan do it or he’ll cry. Don’t let him lick his fat little fingers.
Oh, Ethan painted his fingernails. Great.
Do the dry rub yourself because of the brown sugar. The last thing Ethan needs is sugar.
The Smoke
The meat is ready to go on the smoker. I like to smoke brisket fat side down. Why? I don’t know. You sound like Ethan.
Speaking of Ethan, it’s probably still dark out so unless you have porch lights you’ll need a flashlight and you are going to need Ethan to hold the flashlight. No, his Nintendo Switch is not enough light; you need more fucking light and here’s a thought, he should grab the fucking flashlight like you asked the first time. Get the brisket on the smoker quick so you can give Ethan a side hug that implies you are sorry for yelling at him.
Now it’s about waiting and small adjustments. My rule of thumb is 1.5 hours per pound of meat. You don’t want to lift the lid very often. Smoking is the art of doing nothing. Be like Ethan’s dad.
Wait, he’s coming? Why? Ethan invited him? Spend the first two hours of the smoke arguing with my wife. Let my wife know that Ethan’s dad coming at the 14th hour to enjoy the spoils of something I made is par for the course and real bullshit.
While nothing is going on, Ethan is going to think it’s time to tell you everything he is working on in musical theater camp. Just know that if you let Ethan know you are doing nothing, he will stretch the story out and suck out any free time. Every fifteen minutes I like to slap the smoker and frown. I get it Ethan, you like Little Shop Of Horrors. You liked it yesterday, too.
Quick troubleshooting tips:
Smoker too hot? Check the water bowl. If it’s running low, fill it up again. If it’s fine, incrementally close some of the air valves. The valves themselves will be hot but don’t even bother telling Ethan because he’s gonna white-knuckle grip the stupid things anyways. I swear to God its like the kid gets off on crying.
Smoker losing heat? Open the valves up, check the charcoal and wood chips. Ethan will probably say he threw an ice cube in there and start laughing. This will probably be the closest you come to crying.
Ten to twelve hours later the meat will be close to done, and great, Ethan’s dad is here. He’ll want to help pull the meat out. Thanks for taking this over the top, asshole. Ethan’s dad smokes brisket “like all the time” with his friends. I’m raising his son “like all the time,” but don’t say that to him. Let him help you with the brisket.
Check to see if the brisket is done. I like to check if the internal temperature is 195°. Ethan’s dad is going to say “it’s more of a feel thing.” If he did a little less “feeling” of things maybe he wouldn’t be living in a studio apartment with a roommate. Don’t say that to him. But also, don’t let him feel the brisket.
Do your best to let the brisket sit for fifteen minutes. Everyone is going to ask why, and no answer will be good enough so the brisket is not going to sit for fifteen minutes. Cut the brisket and take your plate to the bathroom along with your iPhone. Good job.