1. She uses body wash with plastic microbeads even though she knows how damaging they are to marine life. They’re the only way she can fully exfoliate and she is NOT SORRY!
2. She was into snail mucin before it was cool. Like, REALLY into it. Like, she still keeps a tub-sized ditch full of garden snails in her basement, in which she bathes herself two to three times a week.
3. None of the high-end beauty treatments, designer clothes, expensive jewelry, and medical jargon she’s accrued over the years has been able to fill the gaping void at the core of her being.
4. As a teenager, she would follow her crushes around, collect their skin flakes, and eat them.
5. She can only orgasm when she’s by herself imagining she’s lancing Henry VIII’s leg ulcers.
6. She wishes more of her patients had deadly skin diseases so she can be sad about them and remember what it’s like to feel.
7. She can tell just by looking at you what it would feel like to wear a dress made out of your skin.
8. When she puts on a face mask, she squats down and talks to her four-karat engagement ring in a raspy Gollum voice.
9. Her engagement ring is fake. She doesn’t have a fiancé – she doesn’t have anyone. No one has ever laid eyes on the gaping void at the core of her being nor returned her voicemails.
10. She leaves voicemails. Because she prefers to call instead of text. This is her darkest secret.
