Beginning of Time – 40,000 BCE: In pre-Homo sapiens time, Donald Trump would have been eaten by a dinosaur, carried off by a giant bird, or banished because he had not evolved the power of thought.
40,000 BCE – 3,000 BCE: In this time, humans and their predecessors were migrating out of Southern Africa. Trump surely would have died, as that much walking would have caused his heart to explode.
3,000 BCE – 1,000 BCE: The ancient Egyptians would have killed him for his fascination with walls when the rest of them were only interested in building pyramids.
1,000 BCE – 300 BCE: The Spartans would have found him cowardly at birth and thrown him from a cliff with all the other unworthy babies. The Athenians would have found him cowardly, but would have first held a trial before throwing him down a chasm.
300 BCE – 500 CE: Trump would have survived in this period, as the Romans were the main power on the world stage. The Romans had their fair share of lunatics. Emperor Caligula was a paranoid sex-freak who assassinated the vast majority of his close confidants. Emperor Commodus had delusions of grandeur and actually thought he was Hercules. Emperor Nero lit people on fire who were different from him and infamously played his fiddle while Rome burned down. Trump would have fit right in.
500 – 1200: As medieval Europe and empires sprouted up, Trump would have been left to die for his utter refusal to do any real work; either that or he would have been slaughtered and pillaged by the Vikings as they needed lots of fatty meats to survive in the frigid Scandinavian waters.
1200 – 1400: The Magna Carta and other legal systems were put into place at this time. As legal doctrines were actually followed back then, Trump would have been imprisoned the first time he broke a law. Thus, Trump would die at a very young age in the feudal prison system.
1400 – 1530: If God had a conscience, Trump would have been the first victim of the Black Plague. Failing that, Trump would have died of any number of diseases because he has no constitution.
1530 – 1850: Trump would have been banished from Europe to the colonies. Based on his diet, he would have died of scurvy on day two.
1850 – 1865: Trump would have died from starvation while suffering from indecisiveness on whether or not to participate in the Civil War. On one side, he loves to dodge military drafts; on the other side, he hates black people.
1865 – 1900: Trump would have survived if he was in Europe. The bourgeoisie killed a lot of proletariats, and he would have loved that. If he was in 19th century America he would have been killed by a bear or a Native American the second he stepped outside of a city.
1900 – 1939: During the first World War and the subsequent Great Depression, people’s lives were already hard and depressing enough, and therefore Trump would have been killed the second he started to pile onto that.
1939 – September 2, 1945: Due to the law of averages, Trump would have been one of the millions who died in the war. Failing that, he would have been dropped from a plane onto an enemy city because the Americans were really trying everything back then.
September 2, 1945 – present: Trump would only be able to survive in this time period on the darkest possible timeline out of all the realities.
