The new year is in full swing, and you know what that means: People are straight-up getting pregnant out there. Winter is cold as F and there are only like half a million hours of shows on Netflix, so it’s the season of sex in large swaths of the United States. And with sex season officially upon us, we are only 7-9 months away from baby season!
Look, it’s a modern world out there, so when it’s time to name your baby, reflect the times, okay? Tons of celebs have ruined tons of names in the past decade, and the fad of names that end in “-aden” feels very 2007, so parents-to-be need to get in touch with 2019.
With all of this in mind, here are this insider’s tips for what are bound to be the hottest baby name trends for the upcoming baby boom!
What’s Old Is New
Gone are the days when classic names like Faye or Mildred would be in vogue. Forget about Theodore, George, or Arthur. Helen? Betty? Margaret? Snooze-fest. Let’s get classic.
What’s more classic than classical antiquity? I’m talkin’ bout the Greeks, y’all!
Look out for a bumper crop of girls named Hera, Aphrodite, or Amestris. For the boys? The abundance of options include Militades, Archidamus (or Archidamus II, if you’re a fan of the king) or Leotychidas. Hell, go all-in on godliness and roll with Poseidon.
Colors
Ever since Jay-Z and Beyonce named their baby Blue Ivy, colors have been heating up in the baby-naming industry. And with the continued popularity of the musician Pink (which, side note, who would have predicted in 1999 that she’d be more musically relevant than Britney, Christina, Mandy Moore, and Jessica Simpson twenty years later?), why not keep this trend going?
Since gender-norms are ever-changing and we’re trying to get away from pinning our kids down, colors are a wonderful gender neutral option. Better still, Crayola has used hundreds of different names for crayons over the years, so you have a ready-made package of names to choose from!
Violet? Olive? Coral? Nah. Let’s get colorful. Some highlights from the crayon-making giant’s classic lineup include wonderful names like Sea Green, Asparagus, and Fuzzy Wuzzy.
Want to get a little more eclectic? Maybe choose from one of their alternate color packs where you’ll find dynamite baby names like Wintergreen Dream, Soap, or Lumber. My personal favorite color name comes from the Color ‘n Smell line: Earthworm.
Act fast on these ones. New lines of crayons come out pretty regularly in back-to-school season, so you don’t want to get caught using last season’s colors.
Legacy Names
Some may think it’s gauche to name your son after yourself. And since no woman on the planet has had the hubris to name a daughter Junior, this one is for all you proud-of-your-heritage boys!
Let’s say your name is Marcus Cahill. Thinking about Marcus Cahill, Jr. if you have a son? Think again, lame-o. It’s time to get next-level. The hottest baby name of 2019 could very well be LeBron James, Jr. Think about all the success you’re setting your son up for! You want him to turn heads from day one, don’t you?
Maybe you’re more conservative. Want to stray from the formula a little bit? That’s okay. I’ve got you covered.
Marcus? Tell me how you’d feel about naming your son Marcus Cahill Senior. Or, oh my God, I’ve got it! Why not merge these two ideas and go with LeBron James, Sr.?!
Furthermore, ladies, I think it’s time to start owning legacy names. You carried that chunk of soon-to-be-human for nine months, you deserve to name it after you. Emma Jr., Catherine Jr., Rachel Jr. These are all instant classics that allow you to work that simple EJ/CJ/RJ nickname system like it’s nothing. Get after it, gals!
Dale
Feels like it’s gonna be a big year for Dales.