Many of you believe Netflix is killing the future of cinema and that I, legendary New York filmmaker Martin Scorsese, committed cinematic treason when I chose to make my latest film The Irishman for the streaming giant for the very generous price of $100 million.
Well, I’m here to tell you to quit worrying. Sure, Netflix floated a few minor suggestions my way, but my new film is pure cinema, baby!
For instance, you know how I always have characters breaking the fourth wall in my flicks? Well, guess what? I do that in this one too! BOOM! Same ol’ Marty from the block! Only this time, Netflix suggested I should have Al Pacino periodically turn to the camera and remind the viewers to check their phones. I have to admit, I was a little hesitant at first, seeing as how this film is about the 1971 disappearance of Jimmy Hoffa and cell phones weren’t a thing back then, but Netflix gently placed their hand on my nervous shoulders, slowly slipped a wad of $20 bills into my suit jacket pocket and told me everything was going to be okay.
And you know what? They were totally right! People love checking their phones while watching movies these days. So by reminding the viewer to check them throughout the film, it keeps the viewer engaged with our story. They may not care enough about the plot to give a film their full undivided attention, but they will definitely be looking for that friendly reminder to check their phones to see who the big stars, like my best friend in the whole wide world Leonardo DiCaprio, are dating.
Speaking of Al Pacino, we put together an excellent cast for this one, too. I had the opportunity to work with my old pals Bobby De Niro, Joey Pesci and Harvey Keitel again… kind of. Netflix told me, in a note attached to a bunch of $100 bills stacked atop each other to look like the Manhattan Bridge, that people much prefer GIFs and memes over the real thing. So we used state-of-the-art technology to construct each of the actor’s extraordinary performances entirely out of GIFs and memes we found of them online.
Fun fact: Al Pacino’s performance is mostly cat videos. It’s some of the best work Al’s done in years!
To really make this film a fully immersive experience and push the boundaries of what the movies can achieve, Netflix suggested we partner with Facebook’s talented Russian programmers to gather as much information on our viewers as possible to produce specially targeted pop-up ads that show up throughout the movie. Again, my first instinct was to pump the brakes on such a crazy suggestion, but the company that gave me trash bags full of $1,000 bills with my face on them to make this film said it wasn’t sketchy at all. So who am I to say otherwise? I’m just a boy who grew up in New York City.
And as a filmmaker who grew up in New York City as a boy, I always want the viewers to have a raw, visceral movie-watching experience. Trust me, Netflix wants that as well. That’s why all the sex scenes are pulled from the viewer’s personal favorite adult websites. Yeah. Those Russian programmers are very good at their job. This ain’t no Bandersnatch choose-you- own-adventure kiddie bullshit.
Halfway through the film we really amp things up when the Netflix tab automatically closes. We then sign into the viewer’s Facebook, scroll through their ex’s old photos and LIKE their pictures from five years ago – for no real reason! Now, when I was a boy growing up in New York City, I would have never liked five-year-old photos of my ex on Facebook during screenings of classic films like Fellini’s La Dolce Vita or Antonioni’s L’Avventura, but Netflix was able to put my mind at ease when they told me they were going to buy me all of Staten Island. So don’t worry, it’s not illegal. It’s cinema!
You may think Netflix is some big conglomerate hellbent on destroying the sanctity of cinema, but that’s not the Netflix I know. The Netflix I know gave a little boy who grew up in New York City a chance to make something special. A chance to make a movie that is uncompromising. A chance to make a movie that isn’t bogged down by the suits in Hollywood. A movie that features a fully revived Jimmy Hoffa in an uncredited cameo as a silly hot dog vendor in his own biopic. I couldn’t be more excited about where cinema is headed. Netflix is forging new ground in the industry and I feel lucky to be along for the ride.
Oh yeah, Netflix also obviously knows where Jimmy Hoffa is buried. I don’t know if I mentioned that earlier. Go Yankees!
