Hi, I’m one of those Northerners you hear about all the time who refuses to get over the Civil War. I ride around with my Fort Sumter replica flag on the roof of my car playing “The Battle Hymn of the Republic” at top volume out the windows, and I constantly lament the fact that Abraham Lincoln and Andrew Johnson went so soft on the South when it came to that whole Reconstruction thing.
Now, I’ve been to a bunch of Civil War reenactments with my Northern buddies, and we usually drink to excess that first night around the campfire and pass out, but the next day, we recreate Gettysburg, the turning point in the war, the one that started the wave of Union victories that led to the North’s ultimate triumph.
But I’ve felt lately like I wasn’t doing enough. I wanted to take a more active role, because I believe it is incumbent upon us Yankees to keep reminding those Johnny Rebs that they tarnished our nation. (To put it in the modern parlance, we need to keep posterizing the South as we continue to dunk on them.)
And so, as head of the New Hampshire chapter of Damn Right, Yankees, these are a few of my proposals I’m bringing to Washington this week to get discussed and hopefully passed into law:
- Redestruction. My plan calls for the total decimation of the South every twenty years, after which they are allowed to build themselves up again, but with no federal dollars and no minority labor to use in the assist.
- Southerners shall be denied the national power grid and the benefits of electrical lighting. Instead, they are only allowed to light their streets and homes with Yankee candles.
- More statues of Northern generals placed in every city in the United States. More Grant, more Sherman, more Meade!
- “We won! Love, the North” billboards shall be placed at half-mile intervals along Southern highways.
- Legislation shall be passed to teach our Northern kids about Northern pride first and foremost in school, and help us celebrate carpetbagger heroes like Maine’s Adelbert Ames, who served as a military governor and later the first Republican governor of Mississippi. Great job, Adelbert!
- Establish an FFF (Finer Freedom Force) to place crosses on random white people’s lawns at night throughout the South but don’t light them on fire. And there you go, religious symbols used properly.
- Make sure everyone in the South gets a bumper sticker affixed to their car that says, “Stop pretending it was about states’ rights.”
- Get April 9th (the last day of the Civil War) designated as Union Freedom Day.
- Randomly fire muzzle-loaders through the windows of select Piggly Wigglys every April 9th. Negotiate a ceasefire and have all Piggly Wiggly employees surrender peacefully, marking an end to the hostilities.
