1. Vegans live for the moral high ground
Who needs a down comforter to keep you warm at night when you’re tightly wrapped in the belief that you’re better than everyone?
2. We hate fun
“Why not so serious?” is the motto of the Cult of Seitan. And while we’re still confused about how they got Janelle Monáe to do a song with them, we’ll issue her a pardon as soon as she enrolls in Meatless Mondays.
3. We are genetically immune to the siren songs of cheese
Moby is currently funding research to learn more about the “vegan gene” and how we can exploit it to defeat our nemesis, dairy. In the meantime, we’re also perfecting bacon-reversal therapy.
4. We are filthy, stinking rich
A full-time masseuse for all this kale? Check! Industrial-grade toilets to handle the voluminous poops that follow? Flush, check! Living such an elitist lifestyle can get expensive, so it helps that we’re all celebrities or the life coaches of celebrities’ dogs.
5. We’re as white as an unseasoned block of tofu
No people of color here! Serena Williams and Venus Williams and Mýa and Maggie Q and Stevie Wonder and Angela Davis and Colin Kaepernick and Kyrie Irving and Leona Lewis and Tony Kanal and Thandie Newton and will.i.am are just faking it to take advantage of those sweet vegan hashtags on Instagram.
6. We couldn’t give a voluminous poop about vegetables and their feelings
Once I heard a head of broccoli cry, “Please, no! Who will care for my Great Aunt Irene?” while I murdered it into florets then tossed it in olive oil, nutritional yeast, and garlic, and baked it for twenty minutes at 450 degrees Fahrenheit until tender and crisp. Best enjoyed while watching Babe with your rescue pig, Leonardo DiCapri-Go Vegan Already.
7. We despise other humans
Veganism isn’t a diet, it’s a philosophy – a philosophy based on the belief that humans have ruined everything and must be stopped. To that end, every vegan is on a slow suicide mission, inching closer to protein deficiency and, eventually, death, all while trying to seduce friends and coworkers into joining us with the allure of our luminous skin and lustrous, though brittle, hair. One of my dear friends, Indigo Skye Thistlewhistle, died just the other day when she attempted to climb a stair. She was a marvel, and a powerhouse, though her body could sustain no muscle.
8. We hate religion
Well, God specifically, who told humans they were in charge of animals. (We-hate-fun fact: God was the first to look at a pig and say, “Mmmmm bacon.”) Several years ago, a group of us Ocean’s 11ed our way into heaven to get rid of that jerk (I was the Brad Pitt!), and now all that’s left up there is a soy hot dog we drew a face on.
HOWEVER, despite all this, you were actually wrong about us not being able to take a joke:
What does Hannibal Lecter have in common with a vegan?
Nobody wants to be at a dinner party with either one.
