When we think of spring, we think of flowers, longer days, the sun peeking through the clouds, and of course, spring cleaning. None of the three other seasons have a hygienic activity attached to them, so right off the bat, spring is special.
It’s extra special when you consider that you can clean your rental unit quickly because you’ll never own a house thanks to the recession of 2009, the lessons that nobody learned from it, and the multi-generational housing bubble running alongside stagnant wages for middle-class Americans. Lucky you!
With that in mind, let’s sweep through some cleaning ideas for whatever living arrangement you’re in, minus the irrelevant (like owning a house).
Spring Cleaning Tip #1: Pine Sol on Wood Floors
It’s a classic, but sometimes the classics are classic for a reason. Using Pine Sol (or something like it) on your hardwood floors serves the ultimate purpose: it makes your house seem clean, even if it’s not. What’s more, you only have to do a cursory cleaning because your lease is up in a few months and there’s no point in actually spending money on this. A bottle of Pine Sol is like $10 and your landlord has the legal obligation to clean the unit before the next tenant moves in.
Spring Cleaning Tip #2: Get a Duster for Window Blinds
Until you actually swipe in there, you have no idea how much dust is hiding in your blinds. It’s gross. As spring rolls around and you finally get around to lifting the blinds (because the sun is supposedly going to come out some time in the next month), you don’t want to be grossed out by what drifts off of your windows.
And on the bright side, if you screw up while trying to clean them, you can just tell your landlord that the blinds have been broken the whole time you’ve lived there. It’s not like that dude has come to look at the place in the last six years anyway, and he was probably planning to keep your security deposit no matter what.
Spring Cleaning Tip #3: Wipe Door and Drawer Knobs With Disinfectant Wipes
Handles are sneaky-disgusting. You touch them before, during, and after preparing food. You touch them immediately after scratching your gross body. You play with your dog and then go to the kitchen. These things are filthy. Clean them. And while you’re cleaning them, do a little thinking on how wages have remained effectively flat in the United States over the past thirty-five years despite the fact that the cost of a college education has doubled or tripled. Then think about how you have to pay off the loans for that “necessary” education before ever considering buying a house.
Then clean the kitchen so you don’t get E. coli, because you definitely can’t afford healthcare.
Spring Cleaning Tip #4: Make a Donation Pile
Get rid of your crap. You don’t wear thirty-nine different T-shirts anymore – you’re lucky to wear two per week, if we’re being realistic, so get rid of some. But getting rid of stuff goes far beyond just clothes. When’s the last time you used your food processor? Considering your inability (and lack of need!) to fix virtually anything, do you need three cordless drills? Send away all thirty-one books you’ve “planned to read” for the past six years.
The best part of donating these items is that once they reach a secondhand store, someone who has reached complete financial ruin by buying a house can get things at a discounted price. These noble classmates of yours who decided that student loans weren’t enough and tacked on a mortgage? They need stuff too, and God knows they can’t afford it.
Cheer up – YOU have the upper hand now. Make sure to hang out at the thrift shop where you’ve donated. Those cocky assholes MIGHT show up and you can be all, “Oh those antique napkin rings? Yeah, they look nice. I just want to live a simpler life, you know? Focus on the good things, the things that really matter. So I donated them. You should totally pick them up, though!”
Gorge yourself on the feeling of smug satisfaction.
Spring Cleaning Tip #5: Be Born Into a Rich Family
Not so much a spring cleaning thing, but like… this is clearly the answer to any problem you’ve ever had.